Cravings

Nearly 3 months without a smidge of dairy, red meat, yeast, or sugar (except in fruit and vinaigrette salad dressings and such). Lots of fruits and veggies. Lots of spinach and kale.

Well today I want....
An entire loaf of  soft yeasty homemade white bread.
A cheesy pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust and butter dipping sauce.
A ginormous Heath ice cream shake.Oatmeal, chocolate-chip pumpkin, m&m, and no-bake cookies.
Cafe Rio pork burrito made enchilada style.
Wendy's bacon deluxe burger, french fries and a frosty.
Barqs rootbeer and Sprite from a fountain.
Cocoa Pebbles.
Resses peanut butter cups, Twix and KitKat.
Fettucini Alfredo.
Molten lava cake a la mode.

Oh, and my life.

Has my health kick been worth it? At the very least I am free from stomach aches, indigestion, and food-related guilt. I also seem to recover from colds faster and with fewer symptoms. However, I'm not free from cravings (but they don't hit everyday), I haven't lost much weight (I was already pretty light on the scale) and I wish I could say I had more energy (although that's a tall order when I'm being pumped full of chemo every week).

But am I kicking cancer? Can I help my body reverse cancer? I don't know. Tomorrow I'll know a little more.

Dreams of the Deceased

Big day today. This may (maybe, might, possibly, fingers-crossed, but also maybe not) be my last chemo treatment. yay! Next week I will have my scan and I get the results of that the following Monday. So you all be sure to check in for the update. And please, please, please, keep those prayers coming!

Having last week's blog post on my brain has brought up several dreams of my mother these last two weeks. I have had many dreams of her since she passed away. I've had a couple special, perhaps even spiritual, dreams. But most of my dreams of her have been as random as most dream are - like two nights ago when I dreamed that she was giving me advice about my upcoming cancer treatment decisions. She sang her advice to me: "Scatter Sunshine, all along your wa-ay. Do what you have to do to live another da-ay!" Yeah, I woke up laughing from that one :o).

Yet despite my dreams having the typical dream weirdness, I've recently realized that there has been a prevailing theme to them and a profound lesson.

In a dream last week, I imagined that my mom  invited me to sit by her at some boring lecture. I didn't want to sit through that; I had something else more important or interesting to do. Then it suddenly occurred to me, "Wait! Mom! You're here!" And I was so happy to see her that I plopped right down next to her, delighted to get to hang out with her.

Back around Christmas time, I dreamed that my mom was at the kitchen table with reams of wrapping paper and ribbon and dozens of dollar-store gifts she had purchased. She asked me to help her wrap. I grumbled. I knew she was perfectly capable of wrapping the gifts herself and I wasn't in the mood to work on her project. Then I realized, "My mom is here! She's back! She's here!" And I immediately changed my attitude, picked up a pair of scissors, and was thrilled to share in her Christmas experience with her. (Later that week I actually went to the dollar store and bought several small pre-Christmas gifts to share with my children and siblings as a reminder of grandma/mom).

I've had a dozen similar dreams over the past seven months. Dreams where I'm doing something with my mom and taking the moment for granted. Then it dawns on me that she has died and returned to visit for a brief window. My attitude changes and for the remainder of the dream I'm glued to her side soaking in the experience. When I wake up I'm thrilled that I've had a chance to hang out with my mom again, even if just in a dream.

Only this past week, as I thought of the recurring theme of these dreams, did an valuable insight emerge.

How much would I love to see my beloved mother again? How happy would I be to be in her presence again? I would drop whatever I was doing and delight just to be around her in whatever activity she wanted to do. And how would I feel if this were anyone else that I loved? What if my spouse or a child or a dear friend had died, wouldn't I delight to be back in their presence again too?

But most of those dear ones are not dead. They are here. Do I fully appreciate that? First thing in the morning, do I greet my family with a hug and a smile and tell them how much I missed them all night? Do I hug them and focus on them for a bit when they return home from school or work? Do I drop whatever I'm doing for 5 or 10 minutes to be with them in the moment that they want my company? Am I willing to engage in their activity just for the chance to be around them? I would eagerly rejoice in their presence if they returned from the deceased. So why not express similar JOY in them right now.

This was the legacy of my mother. She delighted in her loved ones. She did it with her smiles, her happiness to join you in your activities and her way of welcoming you to be around as much as you wanted. I have not been as good at that as I'd like to be, often letting my to-do list rule my time. But these dreams have pressed upon me the desire to capture that welcoming love with those who are here. Now.

My Mom - My Hero

Picture taken Feb 2012

My Mom.

14 Year Cancer Fighter.

Mother of 3. Grandmother of 6. Devoted wife.

Reader, sewer, traveler, family historian, doting grandmother.

Loved Disney, bargains, 3am mahjong and cheetos.

Exemplified selfless service in church callings, community work and beloved friendships.

Passed away on September 1, 2012 from metastasized breast cancer to the liver.

My Hero.

My mom taught me many things and though she is no longer here, I am still learning from my memories of her example. She showed me how to reach out and love other people - how to make them feel welcome and wanted with exuberant enthusiasm. I loved that about her and I loved feeling that from her. She showed me how to face cancer by embracing time as an opportunity to make memories and not wasting it in self pity or doubts. She showed me how to face the inevitability of death by putting her life in the Lord's hands and trusting His timing. She showed me how to face the final experience of death, with a little humor and a lot of love - surrounded by family in a loving, sacred atmosphere that was uplifting even as it was sorrowful.

My Mother's Masterpiece

My mother's greatest masterpiece was this amazing family she and my dad created. We had relatively little contention in our home growing up. As adults we sincerely love and support each other and enjoy being together. We are kind in the things we say to each other and about each other because we honestly view each other with high regard. I am so grateful that I am a part of this family, a family I want to be with forever.

Picture taken Nov 2011

Another of my mom's masterpieces was a talk she gave in May 2010 at the BYU Women's Conference. In this talk she shared precious life lessons learned through her many years of fighting cancer. At her funeral, our family gave out a few hundred copies of her talk and have heard it referenced many times and in many settings this past year. People have resonated with her personal and poignant feelings of struggling with a terminal illness and of finding JOY in life. 

I didn't appreciate or understand much of what she said at the time, but this talk has become an anchor to me  in my cancer struggle. This is the kind of thing I hope to leave behind for my children someday. Though she is not here to give me her hugs and her company, these thoughtful and personal words have helped me through this trial and reaffirmed my faith. Here are few quotes that have been especially meaningful to me this year:

"Each of us must rely on the Spirit to tell us and guide us, to do what is fitting and right for us. Not just settle for what is good, according to other people's expectations, but do what is best for us according to our best discernment of the Spirit."

"To gain strength we need to come to know and develop a personal relationship with our Savior. We all have been told this a million times - when will it sink in? When will we make it a priority in our lives? I hope and pray it will be today."

"Cancer treatments were started and [I] felt terribly, horribly awful - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [I] was an advocate of natural medicine, so to rely on Western Medicine was like a betrayal. Using poisons, as [I] thought of them, for healing was a contradiction. But humility, contemplation and prayer helped [me] decide that [I] would use the best from both systems and rely on the Lord...

"Over the years it has gone from the breast to the liver to the lymph system. All have been hard and scary, but I am here to witness that all things are in the Lord's hands and Life does go on, till He calls us home. The Lord loves us - and his love is Radiant and when we take it in, it fills our souls with acceptance and peace. I have also learned so much and have been blessed in many ways."

"Life is not easy. This journey of life is full of peaks and valleys and lot of slams-in-the-face: all of us have our own to deal with and endure. But Life is a huge blessing, one we probably will never fully comprehend. But while it entails struggles, suffering and pain for us and our loved ones, its blessings are worth treasuring for as long as life is given to us. I determined that I would not let negativity, doubt or self-pity rob me of enjoying and making wonderful memories of whatever time was left to me."

"I know from experience that it helps immensely to have a good family, good friends and a ward to love us and keep us going on the straight path in times of struggle."

"Good books helped me to escape and regroup and take my mind to other places for a while."

"I also found that laughter was wonderful and uplifting. There is nothing like having tears run down your cheeks with belly deep laughter."

"My favorite scripture is Mosiah 4:9, 'Believe in God; believe that he is and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can.' I truly believe this with all my heart and I believe from experience that all things are in God's hands and we all will come to a point where we must put our trust and love in Him if we are to successfully finish our journey here on earth."

You can read my mom's full talk at: Linda's Women's Conference Talk

Update: 1 Month To Go?

As April rolls in, I'm rounding the corner on what may be my final month of chemo. I am scheduled for 3 more treatments and then I do another PET scan. Fingers crossed, hopefully that scan will show that my cancer has reduced even more since my scan in January. That scan will help the doctor determine if I should continue on chemo a bit longer or switch over to hormone therapy.

We are not expecting the scan to show that the cancer has been eliminated, just reduced. Even without eliminating the cancer with chemo, hormone therapy may continue to reduce cancer activity or at least hold it in stasis. Hormone therapy means taking an estrogen-blocking medication since my particular cancer feeds on estrogen. Then for the next several years I would continue to have regular PET scans (not sure of the interval) to monitor if the cancer has started to grow again and if I should do more chemotherapy.

At this point I'm feeling very positive about my prospects. Even without doing a scan, I've had some feedback on my cancer through the observable tumors in the breast and armpit. This past month the tumor in the breast has entirely disappeared as far as I or my doctor can tell! The tumor in the armpit is more stubborn, but does seem to be shrinking a bit. If that sucker disappears in this final month of chemo I will be thrilled. (On a related note, my bulging disk back pain has improved. Last month it was so bad I felt almost bedridden and couldn't sit for more than 10 minutes. After a month of specific core-strengthening physical therapy I feel back to my "normal" with the pain being significant only about 1 day a week and the last hour in the evenings.)

Even with disappearing tumors and really good scan results, it will be a long time before I feel like I am "out of the water," if ever. Cancer has a way of resurging. Thankfully it can be attacked with chemotherapy multiple times and I've shown good response to such treatment. I'm also attacking my cancer nutritionally by switching over to a low-sugar plant-based diet and I've heard some encouraging stories with that approach (stage 4 cancer patients still going strong after 20 years). My hope is that once the chemo has beaten back these big tumors, the combination of hormone therapy and better nutrition will keep me in remission for a long long time.

Water, Diversions, and Kid A's Assessment

I've had 3 topics on my mind this week and I can't pick which one to write about. So I guess I'll share all 3.

Water

I believe in drinking water. Lots and lots of water.

I'll give you one example why. When my cancer was diagnosed, I underwent 3 different scans to try to determine the spread of the cancer. Each of those scans required an IV injection. I dislike IVs. I swear I always get 2-3 pokes to get the IV in and it hurts and the injections hurt going in. Yuck :(.

Two months ago I had a couple more run-ins with IVs for my follow-up scans and things were different. (If you're wondering, I don't get arm IVs for my chemo. That IV goes through a Port that was surgically inserted 2 inches below my collar bone.) For the first time ever the nurses claimed to see "4 good veins" instead of just 2, the IVs went in right the very first time and they barely hurt at all. I was shocked. I asked the nurses what made the difference. The answer: HYDRATION!

Before I started chemotherapy I drank 5-6 cups of water daily (not too bad, I thought). Then I attended a pre-chemo prep class where the nurse gave several tips and tricks for dealing with chemotherapy. One of her suggestions was to drink 10 glasses of water everyday. Everyday since I have consumed 9-10 (or more) cups daily. This is hugely important to flush the chemo toxins out of the system, to ease the burden on the kidneys and liver and to maintain good bowel function. But it was when I got those IVs that, well sir, I became a believer.

To get all my water in, I follow a simple trick. I try to drink 2 cups (16oz) with every meal and snack. I snack between each meal so for me the schedule ends up being: 7am, 10am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 8pm.

Even if you are not an awesome water drinker, if you are faced with a medical procedure - especially a surgery - be sure to HYDRATE! Start a couple days before, continue in the hospital, continue at home for as long as you can. Your blood (and many organs) will thank you.


Diversions

On the balcony of Studio C with R, grandma, S and David.

I had a unique and fun opportunity on Friday. My old boss, David (pictured above), invited me and Anthony to speak to a small group of BYU students about our college and professional careers. David and his students work at the BYU Broadcasting building so after the meeting he took us on a tour of the facility.

At the BYU CougarEat.

This particular Friday I woke up feeling very agitated. The chemo was getting me down physically and mentally and I was feeling frustrated with my limitations. For a while I considered cancelling the outing and wallowing in my misery all day. But I hate to back out of a commitment, so on we went. And it turned out so happy. I was delighted to see my old boss again. I enjoyed sharing my thoughts with the students. I thrilled to get a behind-the-scenes tour of this cool building. I relished the opportunity to share a memorable experience with my grandparents and children. In fact, this was the first time I've ever taken S to BYU and it just filled my heart with joy to realize that I got to do that at least once with all of my kids (hopefully many more to come)! My Friday went from being miserable and hard to being overwhelmingly happy; and that feeling carried with me for the rest of this week (my weeks reset on Wednesdays :o).

Sometimes the best way to fight the blahs is to enjoy a good DIVERSION! Be with people. Get out of your head. Do something to put a smile on your face.

Just to share, here's a bit of my talk. My parental advice to my college-age children:

1. Know your core values and allow your goals to adjust around those.
2. Pray about every big decision and learn how to get spiritual guidance.
3. Have a high work ethic - in school or on the job - learn how to work and how to stick to it. This is what employers value.
4. Get outside your comfort zone - challenge yourself - even if all you can do is “show up” and see what comes of it.
5. Be flexible - allow for serendipity and spiritual guidance - you can’t see the whole picture the day you start college so you adjust as you go.
6. Be happy - don’t take on so much stress that you fail to enjoy the friendships and the dating and the memories - it is such a unique and wonderful time - go live it.
7. Learn how to communicate - speaking and writing skills will set you apart.
8. Learn about life from those around you - some of my favorite times in the world were non-work-related conversations with my professors and bosses.
9. Go for your skills and interests. If you know you are great at X, then do it! You’ll like it more.

Kid A's Assessment

Yesterday afternoon, Kid A crawled in bed with me for a bit while I was napping. As he combed my hair with his fingers he looked me in the eyes and said to me:

A: Mommy, your cancer is still a little bit bad, but it's mostly better.

Me: (Smiling at such good news - hey, children have insights we adults don't often get) Why is that, do you think?

A: Because you have good medicine.

Me: Any other reasons?

A: And because you have good blessings.

Me: Anything else?

A: (Hugging me) And also everyone in this house cares about you a lot.

Do you love this boy as much as I do?! Oh my dear children. You give me such motivation to fight this challenging disease!

Benefits of Cancer... (Say WHAT!?)

You heard me right. Cancer has it's benefits. At least it has for me. And it's high time I share the reasons why I can say that.

First, let's review the bad things that cancer has brought into my life:

1. Fatigue.
   And plenty of it. Of course, I've been feeling tired since I got pregnant with my first child, so it's hard to know how much of that is just motherhood...
2. Bone/Muscle pain.
   Some days it feels bad, but then again I can usually remedy it with heat and ice packs so that's good. Many of those pains have been there for the past year - either from the bulging disks or the cancer, I don't know.
3. Fear of worse pain.
4. Fear of death.

4 things. And 2 of those are only fears of something that does not currently exist.

Now, here are the things that one would expect to experience while being treated with chemotherapy that I have not had to deal with:

1. Hair loss
2. Nausea
3. Mouth Sores
4. Dry skin
5. Indigestion/Heart burn
6. Bowel issues
7. Nerve damage
8. Anemia
9. Shortness of breath
10. Catching germs easily

Lucky - I know! If I could bottle and sell whatever it is that's doing this I'm sure I'd be rich. Believe me, I am so so so grateful.

But that's not all. Now let me share with you all the good things that have happened to me in the past 6 months:

1. Deepening relationships with family and friends.
   This is partly due to the sympathy and interest my condition has aroused and partly due to the wake-up call that cancer has given me to cherish the people in my life. This item ought to count for about 10 items because of the importance and impact it's had on me.
2. Free babysitting every Wednesday!
   Ok, so I'm sitting in a chair drugged over instead of being at the beach. But I get to be with my hubby and that is always precious time.
3. Improved social skills for my children.
   They love getting to go to new places and play with new toys and new friends. They actually look forward to their outings and eagerly ask on Wednesday mornings, "Where do we get to go today?" 6 months ago, little S was super-extremely stranger shy. These days she has no qualms about me leaving her in a babysitters care and has also grown very fond of some frequent caregivers. 6 months ago, I was still hesitant to send A to someone's house for a playdate because of his tendency to have emotional and aggressive outbursts with other kids. These days I don't worry about it - A still has emotional outbursts and frustrations, but he has had lots of opportunities lately to practice and learn the self-control necessary to not be excessively aggressive.
4. "New eyes" to see my family with.
   Too often I have thought, "I will play with my kids when my house is clean." or "Next year when my kid grows out of this behavior then I'll really enjoy them." Well guess what? Next year may never come. I am working hard on changing my thought process to really enjoy my children right now, as they are and it is a beautiful thing as I get closer and closer to that.
5. A deeper relationship with my husband.
   We've been forced to have some pretty heavy discussions about everything from wills to remarriage after death to testimony. We've come to know and value each other more than ever.
6. Motivation to free myself from emotional burdens.
   And for this one I have to thank my AMAZING husband who has surprised me with his compassion, openness and patience. I had no idea I married such a skilled and willing therapist. Every wife should be so lucky. Seriously.
7. An answer to the question - "Should I have more kids?"
   Anthony was done. I was spent. But I wanted to do what the Lord wanted me to do on this one and I was going back and forth on this thought, wishing God would just hit me over the head with a 2x4. Well he did. Our family is complete with 3. And speaking of baby #3, thanks to some heavenly inspiration, I really really think we snuck that baby in just under the wire. I can't imagine my life without her. However long that life may be, it is all the more joyous because I have THREE beautiful children.
8. Opportunities to learn BIG life lessons from others.
   My cancer has provided an opening to talk about some interesting/deep/personal things with others. I have been amazed at the trials others have gone through that I had no idea about. I have been moved by their tenacity and cheerfulness. I have appreciated their wisdom and insights and expressions of faith.
9. Help. Help. And more help.
   It takes a village to raise a child. And it takes a village to keep a family in tact. Beyond the Wednesday babysitting, we've had other friends and young women in our neighborhood volunteer to watch kids so I can have a few hours to myself to rest or relax. I've been signed up for a maid service that offers 10 free visits to a newly diagnosed cancer patient so that I don't even have to squeeze in extra time to clean my bathrooms or kitchen. And my dad has especially stepped in big time to fill the role of both mother and father by coming down twice a week from noon to bedtime to make sure I get to nap, do physical therapy, go to doctor appointments, go grocery shopping, or whatever else, plus he usually does my dishes and my laundry while he's here!
10. Motivation to eat right.
    It's been... 6 months since I had a hamburger, 6 weeks since I had any refined sugar (aka sweets), and 12 days since my last bite of cheese. I am a crazy veggie eating machine these days. I'm still learning the ropes of this new healthy life-style, but I'm actually loving this new food adventure!
11. Motivation/opportunities to learn about relaxation and meditation.
    Still learning lots here, but again, I'm loving the adventure of learning these things.
12. A burst of faith.
    It's as if I was sitting in a room as the sun slowly sank, hardly noticing the dimming. Then cancer waltzed in and threw the light switch. Wow. I can see again! I am particularly grateful for this one.
13. A deeper relationship with my mother.
    This one is older. This one came because of her cancer. Still, I have cancer to thank.
14. A deeper relationship with God.

Kind of wonderful, isn't it? To be honest, I feel a lot like this story from the Book of Mormon. I know I have the faith and prayers and well wishes of a lot of wonderful friends and family to thank for these blessings. I have a wonderful Father in Heaven, who has given me an experience tailored perfectly to my learning. I can't think of any other near-death experience I could have such an "easy" time with and also take so seriously, than to be hit with the exact thing I just barely watched my mom pass away from.

Yes, fear is always lurking in the shadows. Sometimes it jumps out at me unexpectedly and knocks me to my knees. Like when someone tells me a story about someone they knew who died of cancer after a year. Or when I watch parents with older kids and wonder if I'll get to share those experiences and milestones with my children. It can hurt. It can be temporarily debilitating. Yet coupled with that fear is the opportunity to stay on my knees and find a way to cope with the fear. Opposite of the fear are some very tangible joys that I would not have understood otherwise.

I don't know what the next page in my cancer story will bring, but when I look at all I've been given, I find hope to keep on reading.



PS. I wrote this entry on Tuesday night after an especially good day. It very accurately represents how I feel on many days. But I'm glad I wrote it on Tuesday because today (Wednesday) I got my chemo treatment. Chemo puts me into a funk. On most (but not all) chemo days I tend to feel agitated, cranky, tired and also restless. I try to keep a low profile so I won't be ornery with my family while I ride out the worst of the chemical effects on my body, which can take 1-3 days. Just thought I'd throw that in there lest I made cancer and chemo seem too much like a walk in the park.

Snapshots of Chemo Life

A girl in my ward is working on a college project related to chemotherapy. She asked me for some pictures that show the challenges of life on chemo. I thought it was an interesting way to tell the chemo story. Keep in mind this is only the challenging half of the story, there are definitely blessings too.

When I get my IV chemo Anthony takes the day off of work to come sit with me. Not every husband can do that. He makes up the time by working late into the night some nights.

 I collapse on the floor from fatigue quite often. My adorable children love me no matter how much energy I have

The housework gets very backed up since my free time is spent napping, or caring for the kids.

A's homework is often only half done or not done because I've chosen to let that stress slide.