Update: 1 Month To Go?

As April rolls in, I'm rounding the corner on what may be my final month of chemo. I am scheduled for 3 more treatments and then I do another PET scan. Fingers crossed, hopefully that scan will show that my cancer has reduced even more since my scan in January. That scan will help the doctor determine if I should continue on chemo a bit longer or switch over to hormone therapy.

We are not expecting the scan to show that the cancer has been eliminated, just reduced. Even without eliminating the cancer with chemo, hormone therapy may continue to reduce cancer activity or at least hold it in stasis. Hormone therapy means taking an estrogen-blocking medication since my particular cancer feeds on estrogen. Then for the next several years I would continue to have regular PET scans (not sure of the interval) to monitor if the cancer has started to grow again and if I should do more chemotherapy.

At this point I'm feeling very positive about my prospects. Even without doing a scan, I've had some feedback on my cancer through the observable tumors in the breast and armpit. This past month the tumor in the breast has entirely disappeared as far as I or my doctor can tell! The tumor in the armpit is more stubborn, but does seem to be shrinking a bit. If that sucker disappears in this final month of chemo I will be thrilled. (On a related note, my bulging disk back pain has improved. Last month it was so bad I felt almost bedridden and couldn't sit for more than 10 minutes. After a month of specific core-strengthening physical therapy I feel back to my "normal" with the pain being significant only about 1 day a week and the last hour in the evenings.)

Even with disappearing tumors and really good scan results, it will be a long time before I feel like I am "out of the water," if ever. Cancer has a way of resurging. Thankfully it can be attacked with chemotherapy multiple times and I've shown good response to such treatment. I'm also attacking my cancer nutritionally by switching over to a low-sugar plant-based diet and I've heard some encouraging stories with that approach (stage 4 cancer patients still going strong after 20 years). My hope is that once the chemo has beaten back these big tumors, the combination of hormone therapy and better nutrition will keep me in remission for a long long time.

Water, Diversions, and Kid A's Assessment

I've had 3 topics on my mind this week and I can't pick which one to write about. So I guess I'll share all 3.

Water

I believe in drinking water. Lots and lots of water.

I'll give you one example why. When my cancer was diagnosed, I underwent 3 different scans to try to determine the spread of the cancer. Each of those scans required an IV injection. I dislike IVs. I swear I always get 2-3 pokes to get the IV in and it hurts and the injections hurt going in. Yuck :(.

Two months ago I had a couple more run-ins with IVs for my follow-up scans and things were different. (If you're wondering, I don't get arm IVs for my chemo. That IV goes through a Port that was surgically inserted 2 inches below my collar bone.) For the first time ever the nurses claimed to see "4 good veins" instead of just 2, the IVs went in right the very first time and they barely hurt at all. I was shocked. I asked the nurses what made the difference. The answer: HYDRATION!

Before I started chemotherapy I drank 5-6 cups of water daily (not too bad, I thought). Then I attended a pre-chemo prep class where the nurse gave several tips and tricks for dealing with chemotherapy. One of her suggestions was to drink 10 glasses of water everyday. Everyday since I have consumed 9-10 (or more) cups daily. This is hugely important to flush the chemo toxins out of the system, to ease the burden on the kidneys and liver and to maintain good bowel function. But it was when I got those IVs that, well sir, I became a believer.

To get all my water in, I follow a simple trick. I try to drink 2 cups (16oz) with every meal and snack. I snack between each meal so for me the schedule ends up being: 7am, 10am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 8pm.

Even if you are not an awesome water drinker, if you are faced with a medical procedure - especially a surgery - be sure to HYDRATE! Start a couple days before, continue in the hospital, continue at home for as long as you can. Your blood (and many organs) will thank you.


Diversions

On the balcony of Studio C with R, grandma, S and David.

I had a unique and fun opportunity on Friday. My old boss, David (pictured above), invited me and Anthony to speak to a small group of BYU students about our college and professional careers. David and his students work at the BYU Broadcasting building so after the meeting he took us on a tour of the facility.

At the BYU CougarEat.

This particular Friday I woke up feeling very agitated. The chemo was getting me down physically and mentally and I was feeling frustrated with my limitations. For a while I considered cancelling the outing and wallowing in my misery all day. But I hate to back out of a commitment, so on we went. And it turned out so happy. I was delighted to see my old boss again. I enjoyed sharing my thoughts with the students. I thrilled to get a behind-the-scenes tour of this cool building. I relished the opportunity to share a memorable experience with my grandparents and children. In fact, this was the first time I've ever taken S to BYU and it just filled my heart with joy to realize that I got to do that at least once with all of my kids (hopefully many more to come)! My Friday went from being miserable and hard to being overwhelmingly happy; and that feeling carried with me for the rest of this week (my weeks reset on Wednesdays :o).

Sometimes the best way to fight the blahs is to enjoy a good DIVERSION! Be with people. Get out of your head. Do something to put a smile on your face.

Just to share, here's a bit of my talk. My parental advice to my college-age children:

1. Know your core values and allow your goals to adjust around those.
2. Pray about every big decision and learn how to get spiritual guidance.
3. Have a high work ethic - in school or on the job - learn how to work and how to stick to it. This is what employers value.
4. Get outside your comfort zone - challenge yourself - even if all you can do is “show up” and see what comes of it.
5. Be flexible - allow for serendipity and spiritual guidance - you can’t see the whole picture the day you start college so you adjust as you go.
6. Be happy - don’t take on so much stress that you fail to enjoy the friendships and the dating and the memories - it is such a unique and wonderful time - go live it.
7. Learn how to communicate - speaking and writing skills will set you apart.
8. Learn about life from those around you - some of my favorite times in the world were non-work-related conversations with my professors and bosses.
9. Go for your skills and interests. If you know you are great at X, then do it! You’ll like it more.

Kid A's Assessment

Yesterday afternoon, Kid A crawled in bed with me for a bit while I was napping. As he combed my hair with his fingers he looked me in the eyes and said to me:

A: Mommy, your cancer is still a little bit bad, but it's mostly better.

Me: (Smiling at such good news - hey, children have insights we adults don't often get) Why is that, do you think?

A: Because you have good medicine.

Me: Any other reasons?

A: And because you have good blessings.

Me: Anything else?

A: (Hugging me) And also everyone in this house cares about you a lot.

Do you love this boy as much as I do?! Oh my dear children. You give me such motivation to fight this challenging disease!

Benefits of Cancer... (Say WHAT!?)

You heard me right. Cancer has it's benefits. At least it has for me. And it's high time I share the reasons why I can say that.

First, let's review the bad things that cancer has brought into my life:

1. Fatigue.
   And plenty of it. Of course, I've been feeling tired since I got pregnant with my first child, so it's hard to know how much of that is just motherhood...
2. Bone/Muscle pain.
   Some days it feels bad, but then again I can usually remedy it with heat and ice packs so that's good. Many of those pains have been there for the past year - either from the bulging disks or the cancer, I don't know.
3. Fear of worse pain.
4. Fear of death.

4 things. And 2 of those are only fears of something that does not currently exist.

Now, here are the things that one would expect to experience while being treated with chemotherapy that I have not had to deal with:

1. Hair loss
2. Nausea
3. Mouth Sores
4. Dry skin
5. Indigestion/Heart burn
6. Bowel issues
7. Nerve damage
8. Anemia
9. Shortness of breath
10. Catching germs easily

Lucky - I know! If I could bottle and sell whatever it is that's doing this I'm sure I'd be rich. Believe me, I am so so so grateful.

But that's not all. Now let me share with you all the good things that have happened to me in the past 6 months:

1. Deepening relationships with family and friends.
   This is partly due to the sympathy and interest my condition has aroused and partly due to the wake-up call that cancer has given me to cherish the people in my life. This item ought to count for about 10 items because of the importance and impact it's had on me.
2. Free babysitting every Wednesday!
   Ok, so I'm sitting in a chair drugged over instead of being at the beach. But I get to be with my hubby and that is always precious time.
3. Improved social skills for my children.
   They love getting to go to new places and play with new toys and new friends. They actually look forward to their outings and eagerly ask on Wednesday mornings, "Where do we get to go today?" 6 months ago, little S was super-extremely stranger shy. These days she has no qualms about me leaving her in a babysitters care and has also grown very fond of some frequent caregivers. 6 months ago, I was still hesitant to send A to someone's house for a playdate because of his tendency to have emotional and aggressive outbursts with other kids. These days I don't worry about it - A still has emotional outbursts and frustrations, but he has had lots of opportunities lately to practice and learn the self-control necessary to not be excessively aggressive.
4. "New eyes" to see my family with.
   Too often I have thought, "I will play with my kids when my house is clean." or "Next year when my kid grows out of this behavior then I'll really enjoy them." Well guess what? Next year may never come. I am working hard on changing my thought process to really enjoy my children right now, as they are and it is a beautiful thing as I get closer and closer to that.
5. A deeper relationship with my husband.
   We've been forced to have some pretty heavy discussions about everything from wills to remarriage after death to testimony. We've come to know and value each other more than ever.
6. Motivation to free myself from emotional burdens.
   And for this one I have to thank my AMAZING husband who has surprised me with his compassion, openness and patience. I had no idea I married such a skilled and willing therapist. Every wife should be so lucky. Seriously.
7. An answer to the question - "Should I have more kids?"
   Anthony was done. I was spent. But I wanted to do what the Lord wanted me to do on this one and I was going back and forth on this thought, wishing God would just hit me over the head with a 2x4. Well he did. Our family is complete with 3. And speaking of baby #3, thanks to some heavenly inspiration, I really really think we snuck that baby in just under the wire. I can't imagine my life without her. However long that life may be, it is all the more joyous because I have THREE beautiful children.
8. Opportunities to learn BIG life lessons from others.
   My cancer has provided an opening to talk about some interesting/deep/personal things with others. I have been amazed at the trials others have gone through that I had no idea about. I have been moved by their tenacity and cheerfulness. I have appreciated their wisdom and insights and expressions of faith.
9. Help. Help. And more help.
   It takes a village to raise a child. And it takes a village to keep a family in tact. Beyond the Wednesday babysitting, we've had other friends and young women in our neighborhood volunteer to watch kids so I can have a few hours to myself to rest or relax. I've been signed up for a maid service that offers 10 free visits to a newly diagnosed cancer patient so that I don't even have to squeeze in extra time to clean my bathrooms or kitchen. And my dad has especially stepped in big time to fill the role of both mother and father by coming down twice a week from noon to bedtime to make sure I get to nap, do physical therapy, go to doctor appointments, go grocery shopping, or whatever else, plus he usually does my dishes and my laundry while he's here!
10. Motivation to eat right.
    It's been... 6 months since I had a hamburger, 6 weeks since I had any refined sugar (aka sweets), and 12 days since my last bite of cheese. I am a crazy veggie eating machine these days. I'm still learning the ropes of this new healthy life-style, but I'm actually loving this new food adventure!
11. Motivation/opportunities to learn about relaxation and meditation.
    Still learning lots here, but again, I'm loving the adventure of learning these things.
12. A burst of faith.
    It's as if I was sitting in a room as the sun slowly sank, hardly noticing the dimming. Then cancer waltzed in and threw the light switch. Wow. I can see again! I am particularly grateful for this one.
13. A deeper relationship with my mother.
    This one is older. This one came because of her cancer. Still, I have cancer to thank.
14. A deeper relationship with God.

Kind of wonderful, isn't it? To be honest, I feel a lot like this story from the Book of Mormon. I know I have the faith and prayers and well wishes of a lot of wonderful friends and family to thank for these blessings. I have a wonderful Father in Heaven, who has given me an experience tailored perfectly to my learning. I can't think of any other near-death experience I could have such an "easy" time with and also take so seriously, than to be hit with the exact thing I just barely watched my mom pass away from.

Yes, fear is always lurking in the shadows. Sometimes it jumps out at me unexpectedly and knocks me to my knees. Like when someone tells me a story about someone they knew who died of cancer after a year. Or when I watch parents with older kids and wonder if I'll get to share those experiences and milestones with my children. It can hurt. It can be temporarily debilitating. Yet coupled with that fear is the opportunity to stay on my knees and find a way to cope with the fear. Opposite of the fear are some very tangible joys that I would not have understood otherwise.

I don't know what the next page in my cancer story will bring, but when I look at all I've been given, I find hope to keep on reading.



PS. I wrote this entry on Tuesday night after an especially good day. It very accurately represents how I feel on many days. But I'm glad I wrote it on Tuesday because today (Wednesday) I got my chemo treatment. Chemo puts me into a funk. On most (but not all) chemo days I tend to feel agitated, cranky, tired and also restless. I try to keep a low profile so I won't be ornery with my family while I ride out the worst of the chemical effects on my body, which can take 1-3 days. Just thought I'd throw that in there lest I made cancer and chemo seem too much like a walk in the park.

Snapshots of Chemo Life

A girl in my ward is working on a college project related to chemotherapy. She asked me for some pictures that show the challenges of life on chemo. I thought it was an interesting way to tell the chemo story. Keep in mind this is only the challenging half of the story, there are definitely blessings too.

When I get my IV chemo Anthony takes the day off of work to come sit with me. Not every husband can do that. He makes up the time by working late into the night some nights.

 I collapse on the floor from fatigue quite often. My adorable children love me no matter how much energy I have

The housework gets very backed up since my free time is spent napping, or caring for the kids.

A's homework is often only half done or not done because I've chosen to let that stress slide.

Danke

Just a quick word of thanks to those who have commented or sent me an email about my blog. Your encouragement compels me to continue writing and I find that I really do enjoy pondering about and sharing my experience. Plus it gives me such a boost to know that I am cared about. So thank you.

Bulging Disks Update

After that last post I spoke with 5 different people who have experienced bulging disks. All of them said that the number one thing that helped them was getting a good set of stretches and exercises from a physical therapist. Heat and ice help. Steroid shots are an option. So I saw a physical therapist and I'm already feeling better.

Interestingly, the 2 bulging disks are located near, but not exactly on, the two cancer spots in my spine. Did one of these conditions create a weakness for the other? Does part of the key to healing my cancer lie in doing the things that will heal and strengthen my back for the disk problem? And which condition is the actual cause of the back pain I've been feeling for the past year?

In a way it's kind of nice to have something to blame for the pain other than the cancer. I think it makes me less tense. Previously, when my pain flared up I worried that the cancer was flaring up. Now I can attribute it to the bulging disks and tackle it with greater calm.