Cravings

Nearly 3 months without a smidge of dairy, red meat, yeast, or sugar (except in fruit and vinaigrette salad dressings and such). Lots of fruits and veggies. Lots of spinach and kale.

Well today I want....
An entire loaf of  soft yeasty homemade white bread.
A cheesy pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust and butter dipping sauce.
A ginormous Heath ice cream shake.Oatmeal, chocolate-chip pumpkin, m&m, and no-bake cookies.
Cafe Rio pork burrito made enchilada style.
Wendy's bacon deluxe burger, french fries and a frosty.
Barqs rootbeer and Sprite from a fountain.
Cocoa Pebbles.
Resses peanut butter cups, Twix and KitKat.
Fettucini Alfredo.
Molten lava cake a la mode.

Oh, and my life.

Has my health kick been worth it? At the very least I am free from stomach aches, indigestion, and food-related guilt. I also seem to recover from colds faster and with fewer symptoms. However, I'm not free from cravings (but they don't hit everyday), I haven't lost much weight (I was already pretty light on the scale) and I wish I could say I had more energy (although that's a tall order when I'm being pumped full of chemo every week).

But am I kicking cancer? Can I help my body reverse cancer? I don't know. Tomorrow I'll know a little more.

Dreams of the Deceased

Big day today. This may (maybe, might, possibly, fingers-crossed, but also maybe not) be my last chemo treatment. yay! Next week I will have my scan and I get the results of that the following Monday. So you all be sure to check in for the update. And please, please, please, keep those prayers coming!

Having last week's blog post on my brain has brought up several dreams of my mother these last two weeks. I have had many dreams of her since she passed away. I've had a couple special, perhaps even spiritual, dreams. But most of my dreams of her have been as random as most dream are - like two nights ago when I dreamed that she was giving me advice about my upcoming cancer treatment decisions. She sang her advice to me: "Scatter Sunshine, all along your wa-ay. Do what you have to do to live another da-ay!" Yeah, I woke up laughing from that one :o).

Yet despite my dreams having the typical dream weirdness, I've recently realized that there has been a prevailing theme to them and a profound lesson.

In a dream last week, I imagined that my mom  invited me to sit by her at some boring lecture. I didn't want to sit through that; I had something else more important or interesting to do. Then it suddenly occurred to me, "Wait! Mom! You're here!" And I was so happy to see her that I plopped right down next to her, delighted to get to hang out with her.

Back around Christmas time, I dreamed that my mom was at the kitchen table with reams of wrapping paper and ribbon and dozens of dollar-store gifts she had purchased. She asked me to help her wrap. I grumbled. I knew she was perfectly capable of wrapping the gifts herself and I wasn't in the mood to work on her project. Then I realized, "My mom is here! She's back! She's here!" And I immediately changed my attitude, picked up a pair of scissors, and was thrilled to share in her Christmas experience with her. (Later that week I actually went to the dollar store and bought several small pre-Christmas gifts to share with my children and siblings as a reminder of grandma/mom).

I've had a dozen similar dreams over the past seven months. Dreams where I'm doing something with my mom and taking the moment for granted. Then it dawns on me that she has died and returned to visit for a brief window. My attitude changes and for the remainder of the dream I'm glued to her side soaking in the experience. When I wake up I'm thrilled that I've had a chance to hang out with my mom again, even if just in a dream.

Only this past week, as I thought of the recurring theme of these dreams, did an valuable insight emerge.

How much would I love to see my beloved mother again? How happy would I be to be in her presence again? I would drop whatever I was doing and delight just to be around her in whatever activity she wanted to do. And how would I feel if this were anyone else that I loved? What if my spouse or a child or a dear friend had died, wouldn't I delight to be back in their presence again too?

But most of those dear ones are not dead. They are here. Do I fully appreciate that? First thing in the morning, do I greet my family with a hug and a smile and tell them how much I missed them all night? Do I hug them and focus on them for a bit when they return home from school or work? Do I drop whatever I'm doing for 5 or 10 minutes to be with them in the moment that they want my company? Am I willing to engage in their activity just for the chance to be around them? I would eagerly rejoice in their presence if they returned from the deceased. So why not express similar JOY in them right now.

This was the legacy of my mother. She delighted in her loved ones. She did it with her smiles, her happiness to join you in your activities and her way of welcoming you to be around as much as you wanted. I have not been as good at that as I'd like to be, often letting my to-do list rule my time. But these dreams have pressed upon me the desire to capture that welcoming love with those who are here. Now.

My Mom - My Hero

Picture taken Feb 2012

My Mom.

14 Year Cancer Fighter.

Mother of 3. Grandmother of 6. Devoted wife.

Reader, sewer, traveler, family historian, doting grandmother.

Loved Disney, bargains, 3am mahjong and cheetos.

Exemplified selfless service in church callings, community work and beloved friendships.

Passed away on September 1, 2012 from metastasized breast cancer to the liver.

My Hero.

My mom taught me many things and though she is no longer here, I am still learning from my memories of her example. She showed me how to reach out and love other people - how to make them feel welcome and wanted with exuberant enthusiasm. I loved that about her and I loved feeling that from her. She showed me how to face cancer by embracing time as an opportunity to make memories and not wasting it in self pity or doubts. She showed me how to face the inevitability of death by putting her life in the Lord's hands and trusting His timing. She showed me how to face the final experience of death, with a little humor and a lot of love - surrounded by family in a loving, sacred atmosphere that was uplifting even as it was sorrowful.

My Mother's Masterpiece

My mother's greatest masterpiece was this amazing family she and my dad created. We had relatively little contention in our home growing up. As adults we sincerely love and support each other and enjoy being together. We are kind in the things we say to each other and about each other because we honestly view each other with high regard. I am so grateful that I am a part of this family, a family I want to be with forever.

Picture taken Nov 2011

Another of my mom's masterpieces was a talk she gave in May 2010 at the BYU Women's Conference. In this talk she shared precious life lessons learned through her many years of fighting cancer. At her funeral, our family gave out a few hundred copies of her talk and have heard it referenced many times and in many settings this past year. People have resonated with her personal and poignant feelings of struggling with a terminal illness and of finding JOY in life. 

I didn't appreciate or understand much of what she said at the time, but this talk has become an anchor to me  in my cancer struggle. This is the kind of thing I hope to leave behind for my children someday. Though she is not here to give me her hugs and her company, these thoughtful and personal words have helped me through this trial and reaffirmed my faith. Here are few quotes that have been especially meaningful to me this year:

"Each of us must rely on the Spirit to tell us and guide us, to do what is fitting and right for us. Not just settle for what is good, according to other people's expectations, but do what is best for us according to our best discernment of the Spirit."

"To gain strength we need to come to know and develop a personal relationship with our Savior. We all have been told this a million times - when will it sink in? When will we make it a priority in our lives? I hope and pray it will be today."

"Cancer treatments were started and [I] felt terribly, horribly awful - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [I] was an advocate of natural medicine, so to rely on Western Medicine was like a betrayal. Using poisons, as [I] thought of them, for healing was a contradiction. But humility, contemplation and prayer helped [me] decide that [I] would use the best from both systems and rely on the Lord...

"Over the years it has gone from the breast to the liver to the lymph system. All have been hard and scary, but I am here to witness that all things are in the Lord's hands and Life does go on, till He calls us home. The Lord loves us - and his love is Radiant and when we take it in, it fills our souls with acceptance and peace. I have also learned so much and have been blessed in many ways."

"Life is not easy. This journey of life is full of peaks and valleys and lot of slams-in-the-face: all of us have our own to deal with and endure. But Life is a huge blessing, one we probably will never fully comprehend. But while it entails struggles, suffering and pain for us and our loved ones, its blessings are worth treasuring for as long as life is given to us. I determined that I would not let negativity, doubt or self-pity rob me of enjoying and making wonderful memories of whatever time was left to me."

"I know from experience that it helps immensely to have a good family, good friends and a ward to love us and keep us going on the straight path in times of struggle."

"Good books helped me to escape and regroup and take my mind to other places for a while."

"I also found that laughter was wonderful and uplifting. There is nothing like having tears run down your cheeks with belly deep laughter."

"My favorite scripture is Mosiah 4:9, 'Believe in God; believe that he is and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can.' I truly believe this with all my heart and I believe from experience that all things are in God's hands and we all will come to a point where we must put our trust and love in Him if we are to successfully finish our journey here on earth."

You can read my mom's full talk at: Linda's Women's Conference Talk