Dreams of the Deceased

Big day today. This may (maybe, might, possibly, fingers-crossed, but also maybe not) be my last chemo treatment. yay! Next week I will have my scan and I get the results of that the following Monday. So you all be sure to check in for the update. And please, please, please, keep those prayers coming!

Having last week's blog post on my brain has brought up several dreams of my mother these last two weeks. I have had many dreams of her since she passed away. I've had a couple special, perhaps even spiritual, dreams. But most of my dreams of her have been as random as most dream are - like two nights ago when I dreamed that she was giving me advice about my upcoming cancer treatment decisions. She sang her advice to me: "Scatter Sunshine, all along your wa-ay. Do what you have to do to live another da-ay!" Yeah, I woke up laughing from that one :o).

Yet despite my dreams having the typical dream weirdness, I've recently realized that there has been a prevailing theme to them and a profound lesson.

In a dream last week, I imagined that my mom  invited me to sit by her at some boring lecture. I didn't want to sit through that; I had something else more important or interesting to do. Then it suddenly occurred to me, "Wait! Mom! You're here!" And I was so happy to see her that I plopped right down next to her, delighted to get to hang out with her.

Back around Christmas time, I dreamed that my mom was at the kitchen table with reams of wrapping paper and ribbon and dozens of dollar-store gifts she had purchased. She asked me to help her wrap. I grumbled. I knew she was perfectly capable of wrapping the gifts herself and I wasn't in the mood to work on her project. Then I realized, "My mom is here! She's back! She's here!" And I immediately changed my attitude, picked up a pair of scissors, and was thrilled to share in her Christmas experience with her. (Later that week I actually went to the dollar store and bought several small pre-Christmas gifts to share with my children and siblings as a reminder of grandma/mom).

I've had a dozen similar dreams over the past seven months. Dreams where I'm doing something with my mom and taking the moment for granted. Then it dawns on me that she has died and returned to visit for a brief window. My attitude changes and for the remainder of the dream I'm glued to her side soaking in the experience. When I wake up I'm thrilled that I've had a chance to hang out with my mom again, even if just in a dream.

Only this past week, as I thought of the recurring theme of these dreams, did an valuable insight emerge.

How much would I love to see my beloved mother again? How happy would I be to be in her presence again? I would drop whatever I was doing and delight just to be around her in whatever activity she wanted to do. And how would I feel if this were anyone else that I loved? What if my spouse or a child or a dear friend had died, wouldn't I delight to be back in their presence again too?

But most of those dear ones are not dead. They are here. Do I fully appreciate that? First thing in the morning, do I greet my family with a hug and a smile and tell them how much I missed them all night? Do I hug them and focus on them for a bit when they return home from school or work? Do I drop whatever I'm doing for 5 or 10 minutes to be with them in the moment that they want my company? Am I willing to engage in their activity just for the chance to be around them? I would eagerly rejoice in their presence if they returned from the deceased. So why not express similar JOY in them right now.

This was the legacy of my mother. She delighted in her loved ones. She did it with her smiles, her happiness to join you in your activities and her way of welcoming you to be around as much as you wanted. I have not been as good at that as I'd like to be, often letting my to-do list rule my time. But these dreams have pressed upon me the desire to capture that welcoming love with those who are here. Now.