Bulging Disks

This was my no chemo week. Yay! I was extra wiped out from having a stomach bug go through our family this weekend so I am glad for a little breather to regroup my energy.

Actually, this week I've been more focused on my back pain than on my cancer. I've had back pain for the past year and a half. I first attributed it to normal post-baby recovery. Then I attributed it to this darn cancer. But the MRI last week showed two bulging disks in my back that are not located at the cancer sites, but one of which is located at the spot of most of my pain. So now I'm on a mission to learn how to care for bulging disks. Anyone out there dealt with bulging disks? What remedies have or have not worked for you?

Scare

"My life is not in my hands." That is the lesson of the week.

Two weeks ago I got awesome news from my PET scan that showed I was making progress in my cancer fight! I shouted the great news to the world across the pages of Blogger and Facebook and received many wonderful well wishes and congratulations. I felt a little boost of energy and a little less burdened by fear.

But I just had to go and get a copy of the scan for my personal records and I just had to read it for myself over the weekend. That's when I noticed the line that described a "new, subtle indication of leptomeningeal... blah blah blah." I looked it up. It's bad. It basically means that the cancer could be spreading to the spinal cord at which point its a very short time until "lights out." Of course I panicked and cried and despaired that my last few days were here.

As I cried to Anthony about that possibility I realized two things. First, everyone was going to be ok. My children and my husband would especially miss me, but I would leave behind healthy and happy relationships. They would have no reason to regret any unresolved issues, no reason to doubt how much I love them. And I know they love me. And even though I haven't yet had time to write my personal history the way I want to, I would also leave behind lots of blog entries of my family, blog entries of some of my best life lessons on this blog, my private spiritual journal and lots of pictures and videos. There's more recorded than my kids will probably even care to go through. I also have a will and life insurance so my family is financially taken care of. If I were to die today, it would be ok.

The second thing I realized is that I have no control over the timing of my death. Cancer is cancer. It can turn on a dime. Here I've been telling myself, "I'm so going to beat this. I'm going to eat healthier and learn to relax and breathe deeper and take my medicine and I'm going to make my cancer go away!" But there is no guarantee of that.

We often consider the unpredictability of death when we say things like, "You never know, I could get in a car accident on the way home." In fact, as I sit here getting my chemo, I just overheard a conversation where someone said those very words. Although we may say the words, the full emotion of death or illness doesn't truly register until you experience it. The closer it hits to home and the longer you have to cope with it the more you feel it.

My dad once told me that when my mom was learning to cope with her cancer she found great comfort in coming to accept that her life was in God's hands and the timing of her death was up to Him. She found that knowledge liberating. Although I accepted my dad's words, I didn't fully internalize them.

So far I've really been putting my fear into the future and my faith in myself. I have thought that by making some lifestyle changes I was going to buy myself more time, maybe a long time. But last week I experienced the reality that it is not up to me. I do not control the timing of my death. Whether it be a sudden spread of cancer, a heart attack or a car accident, death comes when it comes. If it is time for me to return to God, then I can't stop it.

Before I leave you hanging for too long, I should tell you that I do not have leptoblahblah. When we finally met with the doctor again she said that I don't have the symptoms of it and that that interpretation may have been an overly cautious radiologist. Yesterday I had an MRI to follow up on this and the MRI also did not indicate leptoblahblah. Phew. Crisis averted.

Maybe.

But cancer is cancer and life is fragile. There will be more scares. Death will ultimately come. We had a handful of very big scares with my mom's cancer, but we got through them and she went on to live her life with enthusiasm until the very end. Although I'm probably several scares away from internalizing this lesson as deeply as my mom did, it is liberating to realize that my life is not in my hands. When I feel like it is in my control then I feel frenzied wondering how to solve this cancer problem and fretting over every ache and pain. I worry that I might run out of time before finishing x, y and z. But when I feel like my life is in God's hands then I feel assured that I will not be short changed. If it's important for me to finish x, y and z then God will make sure I have enough time to finish them. Recognizing my life is not in my control does not greatly alter what I do on a daily basis, but it does replace panic with peace, which makes my days more joyful.

Perhaps the best way to convey my feelings on this topic is to recount a conversation I had with A on Sunday. We were at church when A crawled into my lap, twisted my short locks of hair in his 6-year-old fingers and whispered:

A: Mommy, sometimes I'm afraid you are going to die.

Me: Why do you think that sweetie?

A: Because grandma had cancer and she died.

Me: And that makes you feel scared?

A: Yes.

Me (with a big hug): Sometimes I get scared I'm going to die too. But can I tell you what I do about it?

A nodded.

Me: Well, first, I want you to know that I am doing everything I know how to do to live as long as I can. I am eating really healthy things and exercising as much as my body will let me and I'm going to bed on time and I'm taking my medicine.
     And you know what else? We are praying every night for me to get better and lots of other people are praying for our family too. I believe that if I do everything I can do and if I pray and ask Heavenly Father for help, he is going to make up the difference to make sure I live as long as I need to. And like I've told you before, I have a feeling I'm going to be here for a long time still.
     Do you know what you can do?

A: What?

Me: Whenever you see me eat healthy or do my exercises you can tell me, "Good job mom!" And you can pray for me as much as you want. But even though I do all that sometimes I still get scared. So you know what I do then?

A: What?

Me: I talk to Heavenly Father about how I feel and also ask Him to help me feel better. Sometimes I find another person to talk to too. And then I go and get a big hug from daddy or from my kids and I hug and hug and hug them until I feel better. And you are welcome to talk to me and ask me for as many hugs as you want until the scared feelings go away. And then we can play fun games or do other fun things and leave the scared feelings behind for a while. Does that sound good to you?

A: Yeah. (Big long hug. And then...)

A: Hey mommy, can I show you something funny I saw in my Lego magazine?

Me: Sure!

1:00 am

Oh Wednesday nights, how I love thee. It's 1:00 am and I am wide awake. Oh well. My sweet dad makes sure I get good nap time on Thursdays so it tends to work out.

And did I mention that Anthony's sweet dad flew out last week for 6 days just to help with the kids and to make sure I got my daily naps? I'm well taken care of! We had some fun while he was out here too...

Bumper Cars at Hollywood Connection!

No Candy for Valentines Day

I've given up sugar for the next year. The minute I found out I had cancer I gave up sugar and artificial sweeteners. That was in October. I survived Halloween without a single Twix. I allowed myself some pie for Thanksgiving, some chocolate covered nuts for Christmas and New Years and a week of light daily indulgence when we went to Disneyland last week.

Now I'm ready to go gangbusters. I decided at Disneyland that I wouldn't have any sugar for 1 year - until my next Disneyland trip - with no breaks for the holidays. That means no candy, ice cream, chocolate, syrup, jam or soda pop. And somewhere in there I also hope to figure out how to balance other sugar sources like fruits and breads to their proper amounts. Aspartame also has a pretty bad rap in cancer nutrition so my Crystal Light and diet sodas and gum are out too. I have recently learned about Stevia, which is in my chocolate flavored Isagenix protein shake every morning. Sometimes I make one with peanut butter and extra ice and eat it at night like ice cream.

I've had a few friends do this in the past and I have been way impressed at the same time that I thought that they were nuts and missing out on the good stuff in life. But now I feel like it might help save my life, so I'm motivated!

So far so good. The kids bring home cookies and candy and I don't touch them. I even helped make chocolate chip cookies for dessert a few weeks back and didn't snitch a single smidgen. Last year, when A brought home candy from school, I drooled over it and begged for the Kit Kats and Twixes. This year I get nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing for Easter, my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Every kids dream, right? No candy taxes to Mom for the next year.

Anyone who's done this before - any tips on what to avoid and how to endure?

Good News

We got the results of the PET scan today. All spots are showing reduced activity and 2 of the 5 bone spots that were initially most significant are now showing no activity and even some bone growth. The plan now is to  continue with chemo for another 3 months (I'm getting an infusion as I type) and then to do another scan. If all goes well we'll then discuss surgery and hormone inhibitors. This is slightly better news than I was expecting and way better than I was fearing. Now for the next 3 months I'm going to continue to do everything I can to help my body heal on it's own. And then try to hold that state for as long as possible. Every extra day is a bonus and a blessing. Hopefully I'll remember that and feel that way even if I keep getting "good news" for years to come.

Quick Update

I finished my first 3 months of chemotherapy treatments last week. And not too much worse for the wear so far. Aside from extra fatigue, I pretty much continue to evade all other common chemo side-effects and I continue to count my many many blessings!

I had a PET scan (full body cancer scan) this week to determine how well the chemo has done its job so far. I will find out the results of that scan in 2 more weeks. Here's how these results could pan out:

A) Complete remission. (very unlikely) No more chemo. Whoo Hoo! On to surgery.
B) Measurable reduction. (most likely) I'm guessng 20-30% based on how much the tumors in the breast have reduced. In this case we carry on with chemo for 3 more months and then measure again.
C) No shrinkage, but no new growth. (also likely) This would be disappointing, but acceptable. We'd then have to decide if we do 3 more months of the same chemo or if we switch tracks to another chemo or to hormone therapy.
D) Growth. (please, no) But again, there are still other therapies to try so it's not the end of the world.

Now to go enjoy my 2 weeks of not knowing in sweet ignorant bliss.

My 'Word' This Year

At my cancer support group last week we talked about setting goals for the year. We were asked to choose a single word and then to focus our goals around that word - and to keep that word in mind as we made decisions throughout the year.

My word this year is PREPARE.
For me this means...

1. Prepare to meet God.
1. *Start each day with a prayer dedicating my time that day to Him. Then practice and learn service in His way.
2. *Attend the temple bi-weekly to bring me back into focus and closeness with Him.
2. Prepare to leave my family.
1. **Get my will/trust done.
2. **Document account/password information.
3. **Document my death wishes and funeral wishes.
4. **Start a habit of writing regular love notes to my husband and kids.
5. Help finish my mom's personal history (a family undertaking).
6. Read at least one personal history of a previously deceased family member.
7. Write my personal history. Include parental advice on key topics such as friends, schooling, dating, marriage, raising kids, making big decisions, seeking a personal testimony, etc. This goal will likely expand beyond this year.
3. Prepare to kick cancer's butt and live 60 more years.
1. *Learn and implement the cancer fighting 'Alkaline Diet'.
2. Learn relaxation techniques.
3. **Make it to bed on time and prioritize my sleep.
4. **Exercise as often and as much as my body will allow (factoring in my own naps and a busy 18-month-old).
5. **Make it through chemo, surgery and everything else they throw at me with an Attitude of Gratitude for the best cancer fighting knowledge we have so far and for the family and friends who carry me and my family through it both physically and emotionally.

* Key goal for the year.

** A habit already going, or a goal already almost done.

(Check out my 'Goal Progress' link at the top of the page)

I've heard some other great words this year: Love, Determination, Routine, Happiness. What word would you pick?