Cancer Update

Ok, here's the update. Last month I was feeling awful. I had back pain so bad I could hardly walk or even shift position in bed. My subsequent scans showed that my cancer increased throughout my bones, collapsed two vertebrae and spread to my liver. I have started a new chemo pill and am doing a procedure in a few hours (Wed 5/13) to address the collapsed bones.

How do I feel? A mixture of dread and relief. The dread is obvious, and I cried a lot. But the relief was unexpected. It came because I was trying so hard to control the cancer on my own that I was becoming obsessive about my eating and I was so angry about my failing body that I was hardly breathing. Well, my body failed. Kind of. A liver diagnosis, in that moment, felt like a death sentence. And strangely a part of me felt like, "Oh good, I don't have to try anymore". It's helped me to let go of the control.

However, I also have a renewed desire to live. I realize that I've been living the past nearly 3 years for the disease. When not pursuing some treatment or other, my mind is usually trying to "solve the problem".  So at the moment I'm trying to figure out how to balance this desire for life with this new realization to not be obsessed about living (or maintaining the status quo). In other words, I'm striving to live life with joy in the now and dismiss the fear of the future. And I tell you, one of the best training grounds for that skill is in the middle of the cancer fire-fight.

The good news is that after 3 weeks of chemo I already feel lots better. I can walk again and do basic chores. And a tumor in my armpit that has been slowly growing since initial diagnosis, throughout all previous treatments, has started shrinking for the first time.

Now if you read this, could you do me a favor? Sometime in the next 3 months, would you send me a message or two either reminding me that I am awesome and cancer can and will be beat, or send something to make me laugh. Those little upliftments mean so so much (see Drops of Love). Thanks everyone. On we go.

Beating Cancer with Nutrition

"A large European study found that those who consumed the largest amount of alliums had a 55-80% risk reduction of most major cancers."

Want to learn more? Check out these slides and notes from a recent presentation I gave on this topic...
(If you only have 3 minutes, skip to the 3 slides in the middle about "G-BOMBS")

Featured article:
Dr. Fuhrman's article on G-BOMBS.

Other links included in this presentation:
American Cancer Society statistics.

Dr. Fuhrman's Immunity Solution video.

Dr. Fuhrman's Super Immunity book.

Forks Over Knives video.
Blendtec at costco.com
My green smoothie recipe.
My salad and hummus recipes.
Rockin' Moroccan Stew recipe.
Nutrition Wise recipes
Oh She Glows recipes

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1998 and treated with surgery chemo and radiation. The cancer returned in 2001; she had a mastectomy. It returned again in 2005 this time in her liver. She died in 2012 at age 61.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012, 1 month after my mom died. At diagnosis it was already in my bones. I was treated with chemo and currently am on anti-estrogen therapy.

My prognosis? I have HOPE! Partly because of quotes like the one shown here. My hope is bordering on confidence that I will raise my kids, and I have hope (with fingers crossed) that I’ll be traveling the world with my husband in my old age. I really really love my family and my life and I’m fighting HARD to keep them!

So what about you? How do you feel about getting cancer? If you’re like I was 3 years ago, you probably think “Either it’s coming, or it’s not and…”

View full statistics page.
Look at the stats: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer, and 1 in 3 women. That's huge! Do you have cancer in your family? Have you lost someone you care about to cancer? Today I want you to know...

There is something you can do about it!

Let me introduce you to my nutritional guru. This is nutritional scientist Dr. Fuhrman.

I started following Dr. Fuhrman about 6 months after my cancer diagnosis, which was almost 2 years ago now. I had been floundering around on different healthy diets, had cut sugar, dairy and meat completely out of my diet, but couldn’t quite figure out what to replace it with or if it would help me fight cancer. Then a complete stranger called me after my dad told her about me, and she told me about Dr. Fuhrman’s book “Super Immunity”, which answered all my questions. It didn’t just tell me what to stop eating, but what to start eating and why and backed it up with current research. Now his approach is not unique or revolutionary, but I like his stuff because his explanation and eating plans make sense to me.

Quote from his lecture Immunity Solution, "I believe we can win the war on cancer in America."

Link to Immunity Solution video.

Link to Super Immunity book.

Link to Dr. Fuhrman's website.

Rewind 4 years ago. I had just had baby #3, had put on 65 “survival” pounds in 9 short months, and was ready to get healthy again. I knew how to do that!

Weight Loss!

This is my typical daily diet 4 years ago. A little tiny protein bar for breakfast, a good “hearty” PB&J sandwich for lunch, exactly 55 goldfish crackers for a snack during that long stretch between lunch and dinner, usually an apple, then a dinner that was planned with the meat in mind first and a small veggie thrown in “to be healthy”. I put the ice cream here, but I didn’t actually eat a little unsatisfying scoop daily. I actually skimped like this all week so that at the end of the week I could go to IceBerg and indulge in a large shake with extra sugary candy mixed in! I felt like I was doing awesome. I was enjoying my ice cream and still losing the weight. What could be healthier than that!? Even after losing the weight, I continued this basic strategy, because it was what I knew.

But cancer served as a nice little wake up call. I started learning about what “healthy” eating truly means and I discovered that… and this rocked my world… it’s not about eating less, it’s about eating more! It’s not about the calories, it’s about the nutrients! It turns out that we’ve known, and been resisting, the best foods since our childhoods. We really do have to eat our vegetables… and our fruits, and beans, and nuts, and healthy grains. Fruits and vegetables are packed with micronutrients that our bodies need in order to fight disease. Scientists currently understand the role of about 30 vitamins and minerals, which they have isolated, synthesized and put into a nice little daily pill. But did you know that there are way more than 30 nutrients out there? A strawberry has over 700 identifiable phytochemicals in it, not just 30!

And the bonus is that these nutrient-dense foods are low-calorie foods. So you can still lose weight, you just get to do it without being hungry.

Now I’ll admit, I wish I could stand up here and say that I beat cancer using nutrition alone. But I’m fighting an uphill battle, and I can’t say that… yet. However, I think you’ll see that the concepts are sound and the scientific evidence is promising, and empowering. I’m mainly focusing on Dr. Fuhrman’s work, because his stuff resonates the most with me. But if you delve into what most nutritionists are saying about cancer, it’s all very similar. In fact, when I started getting treatments at CTCA in AZ about a year ago, they assigned a dietitian to meet with me. When I told her how I was eating she basically just high-fived me. So even though there may be differing nuances out there, this information is definitely in the right ball park.

What is Nutrient Density?

Dr. Fuhrman says, "Getting more micronutrient bang for caloric buck."

Another way to say this is, "Don't just count your calories, make your calories count!"

Link to Immunity Solution video.

So how do we get more micronutrient bang for our caloric buck?

We eat more of the good stuff. Lots of vegetables and greens and plenty of fruits, plant proteins, healthy fats and whole grains.

This is the good stuff we already know about… but with very different emphases.

Compare Dr. Fuhrman's Food Plate with that taught to us in school. We can do better than what we were taught to do in elementary school.

This plate shows us how to maximize our micronutrients, which is great for being healthy across the board.

But this is a presentation on fighting cancer specifically. So let’s drill down into that specific disease..

It seems like every time we turn around there’s another “superfood” that’s been shown to beat cancer. To me, all those news-bites always felt overwhelming to the point of being useless.

Turns out, I just needed it to be organized for me...

If you want to fight disease, especially cancer, here are the 6 foods you need to focus on.

Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushroom, Berries and Seeds. Or you can remember this handy acronym: G-BOMBS.

Let’s look at some major studies that have been done to indicate these 6 food categories as super cancer fighters...

… Guess what? Your cancer fighting knowledge has just increased ten-fold! Are you starting to feel more empowered? Awesome!

This information taken from:

Dr. Fuhrman's article on G-BOMBS.

Now we have to get into the less pleasant part of this topic. The foods to avoid.

Sugar, Dairy, Meat, Refined Grains, Refined Salt and Preservatives are the food items most correlated with cancer. The documentary “Forks over Knives”, gives a strong case for cutting back or cutting out dairy and meat.

My honest opinion is that there is good evidence to suspect these foods, but just how much is ok is really tough to nail down. They may be ok in moderation. But "moderation" may not be a few servings a day, it may be a few servings a week, or a month. At the very least, I think we can agree that if we reduce these cancer-suspicious foods, it will leave more room for the cancer-fighting foods.

But I'm going to focus on what we can add to help the cancer fight, and I'll encourage you to go learn for yourself about what to remove.

Link to Forks Over Knives. (Free on Netflix and Amazon Prime video)

Now that you know what good foods to eat, how do you incorporate them into your diet?

The 3 S’s: Smoothies, Salads and Soups.

You can do one of these, or all 3.

1. Smoothies. Green smoothies are all the rage these days. And I’m totally onboard with it. If you hate vegetables, this is probably the easiest way to convert, because you can make your veggies sweet. My sister, who for years claimed that she was “allergic” to vegetables, has made a big leap on the health-food track by switching to a green smoothie for her breakfast. Her recipe includes 4 cups of spinach and is sweetened with a banana. It makes a very filling 20oz drink and is only 200 calories.
   Here are the G-BOMBS you should include in every smoothie: Greens like spinach, kale, or even broccoli; Berries; and flax Seeds. You really don’t need to add sugar, agave or even honey. Instead use nutrient-rich bananas, dates, or strawberries. If you look at grams of sugar/calorie a T of agave or honey is about the same as ½ banana, 3 large dates, 15 strawberries, or 2T of OJ, plus you get the fiber that significantly slows the sugar absorption. So we got our Greens, Berries and Seeds. Green smoothie recipe.
2. Salad. I love a big salad for lunch because it is so filling.
   Here are the G-BOMBS you should include in every salad: Greens, obviously, and I love adding cabbage for a cruciferous bonus. Raw red onions are very mild and perfect for salads. And I’ve recently discovered that hummus is an amazing salad dressing because it includes calcium-rich beans and sesame seeds and is sugar-free. And if you want to avoid extra calories you can make it at home without oil. So we got our Greens, Beans, Onions, and Seeds. You could also make a sweet salad with berries and a pineapple dressing. Salad and hummus recipes.
3. Soup. Mmmm. A hearty soup is so satisfying on the stomach. This is an area I’m trying to improve on. Because of my vegan restrictions, I erroneously assumed I had to make up my recipes, which often turned out bland. But it turns out there are so many delicious recipes out there! So if you know of an amazing vegan - or easily veganized - recipe, please send it my way!
   Here are the G-BOMBS you should include in every soup: Onions and/or garlic are easy because they are seasonings in most recipes, if beans aren’t in the recipe you can easily substitute some or all of the meat for beans, and soup is the perfect time to get your mushrooms since cooking them helps to release their cancer-fighting chemical. So we got our Beans, Onions and Mushrooms. Rockin' Moroccan Stew recipe. (be sure to add a handful of mushrooms to this!)

This isn’t all that hard, is it? You are going to kick cancer’s butt!

Even though it looks easy and tasty, I realize that the biggest hurdle to any diet is simplicity. It’s a thousand times easier to grab a protein bar than it is to pull 10 ingredients out of your fridge to make a smoothie, or to spend 30 minutes a day chopping vegetables for a salad. But with the right tools and a good schedule, you can make it just as easy as cracking open a can of soup. Here’s what works for me…

1. To make a really good smoothie, you really need a high-powered blender like Blendtec. (If you have a cheaper blender, you should leave out the flax seeds because they will be gritty and avoid frozen strawberries because they can ruin low-grade motors). This is the most expensive tool - the best deal is to get the deal from Costco.com that comes with 2-jars. The cost is $400. But just think, after 4 months of daily use, it’s costing you less than a $3 Jamba Juice per smoothie! (After 2 years, I'm down to about a quarter per blend).
   
   Schedule wise: One Saturday a month I go to Costco and clean them out of spinach, kale and berries (I get flax seeds from Smiths). I have been asked multiple times if I own a restaurant! Then I spend about 2-3 hours at home bagging my smoothies into quart-sized bags. Then every morning for a month I just grab my frozen bag, throw it in the blender with water, and voila!
   
2. To make salads quickly, you need a food-processor with a slicer. I have a Bosch, which is expensive, but I think you can get decent ones for under $50.
   
   I buy salad ingredients weekly, because they don’t stay fresh and crisp much beyond that. On Sundays I spend about an hour washing and zipping my veggies through the food processor, then I throw them in large tupperwares with a few large handfuls of Spring Mix greens. I take extra time to make home-made hummus for my dressing (which I keep separate and add when I eat the salad).
   
3. To make soups easy, you need to get a large stockpot.These are only about $30.
   
   Three Saturdays a month I make a giant batch of soup - 4x or 6x the recipe. (Be sure to test the recipe on a single batch first! I learned that the hard way!) I put the stockpot in the fridge and we just warm up what we need each night. Usually I make enough to also freeze two or three meals worth. On the off-week, when I’m making smoothies, we either use the frozen soups or get some good organic canned soups.

Obviously, there is a lot more to all of this, and I’m always game to talk nutrition if you have questions or ideas for me.

Now that you are armed with this wonderful cancer-fighting knowledge, please don’t let knowledge go to waste. You don’t have to do everything all at once! Even with really strong motivation, it took me a good 6 months to get into my groove. So start small. Look at this list of ideas and pick a challenge that interests you and start there. Some ideas are listed.

Start now. Cancer is a lot harder (and scarier) to fight than it is to prevent. But, it’s ok to give yourself time to learn. So it’s totally ok if this comic happens to you!

When it comes to cancer, I hope that you now understand this statement and that you now know what do about it.

Drops of Love

Today I want to thank each of you who has taken the time to take notice of my cancer-fighting and healing journey. Shortly after posting on a bout of discouragement to cyberspace (over 6 months ago!), I experienced something that has happened multiple times along this journey; and it's high time I wrote about it; and thank everyone for it! I have been thinking about this post for over two years, but haven't tackled it, fearing I could not do the topic justice. But today I feel like it is a good time for sharing this, so I'll just give it a shot.

What kind of service matters?

It was the last week of August when my mother was passing away. Only a handful of people were able to be present in her final days to offer love and hugs. My dad, two sisters, and I were the ones who kept constant vigil for five days while her body slowly released the spirit within. We figured this day would come; my mom battled cancer for 14 years. In my premonitions of the event, I had anticipated it to be excruciatingly sad, even unbearable. But the actual experience surprised me.

During that week, we wanted to let my mom's family and friends know what was happening so they could call or email their last goodbyes. My sisters and I also sent out emails and facebook posts to our own circles of friends. I was floored by the volume of responses that poured in. Whether they came from my mom's friends, my sisters', or my own; whether it was a page long or a sentence; each loving reply acted as a soothing drop on wounded hearts. As so many soothing drops added together, I soon found myself feeling a strange sensation. Although I was heartbroken, and shed many tears, I was not drowned by the sorrow. Mixed with the sadness, I also felt light, a sort of buoyancy, as though I was being lifted up and carried. I was not the only one who felt it either. My dad compared the feeling to jumping off the stage at a rock concert and surfing across the throngs of upheld hands. That powerful lift of love exalted that devastating experience into one that was simultaneously exhilarating.

I don't know how to explain the mechanism that causes a chemical reaction to begin when the saturation point is reached, but I do know that when I am infused with enough kindness and love, even my deepest sorrows are placated. That infusion may have been possible from a single individual, but it was, I think, even more powerful as a cumulative effect. Since then I have thought, "I want to be part of this feeling much more often. I want to be someone who contributes drops of love everyday."

This experience answered a question I'd had for many years since serving as a Relief Society President in my BYU ward. During that calling, I cared very deeply for the women I was serving and I tried as best as I knew how to get to know them and serve them and love them. But at the end of the year I felt like I had changed no one. All of the same problems still existed: depression, boyfriend issues, low self-esteem, weak testimony, etc. Despite all my effort and love, I hadn't helped anybody! Sadly, I came away from that year rather disenfranchised with the calling and struggled when asked to serve in similar callings after. I thought, "What was the point of caring if my caring made no difference? And if my caring did matter, actually fixing someone required way too much exertion."

But after this experience with my mother's death, I finally realized the real point of service. It's not my responsibility to "fix" or to "save" anyone. No one could (or even should) have saved me from my grief. I have learned too much in working through this potent experience, that removing me from the grief would have been destructive, not helpful. Instead the many loving words and acts along the way have given me support to rise above the grief and to grow from it.

Sometimes in serving, we have the opportunity to do the heavy lifting, but usually our service does not need to be that big or that hard. Overdoing it can be fruitless and exhausting. Rather, when we feel that frenzied urge to rescue another (especially when we recognize how little we can control), we are wise to remember that there is only one Savior who can truly save anyone. We would be much happier if we let go of our panic grip on other people's lives and trust Him to do His job, "in His own way and in His own time."

However, that doesn't mean we don't do anything. It just means we don't have to approach service as an all or nothing thing. Instead we should approach service as a very simple thing... a single drop (that smile, phone call, or text). If we refuse to give our single drop because it doesn't make "enough difference", we lose the opportunity to make any difference at all. And while our single drop may seem too insignificant to bother giving, when it combines with a dozen or a hundred other drops from other people, one drop may be the catalyst to make someone's cup of love overflow.

One month after this very personal lesson on the cumulative effect of simple service, I heard this talk...

"Over its short lifetime of just a few weeks to four months, a single honeybee’s contribution of honey to its hive is a mere one-twelfth of one teaspoon.

Though seemingly insignificant when compared to the total, each bee’s one-twelfth of a teaspoon of honey is vital to the life of the hive. The bees depend on each other. Work that would be overwhelming for a few bees to do becomes lighter because all of the bees faithfully do their part.

Imagine what good we can do in the world if we all join together, united as followers of Christ, anxiously and busily responding to the needs of others and serving those around us."

Be Anxiously Engaged
By Elder M. Russell Ballard
Oct, 2012

Bonus idea: We need to give each other more feedback. Thank people for their drop. If someone's effort made a difference, express it. By giving this feedback we help people gain confidence in their caring. Plus we give a drop of love back, which is doubly cool.

Update: Stable. Discouraged.

Just got back from CTCA last night. The CT and bone scans show "no indication of new sites". In other words, I am still stable. My blood counts, which I so excitedly reported on last visit, went back up 5 points. However, my doctor sees this as still being stable. So technically this is great news! And I'm relieved and happy.

Yet, I'm also rather discouraged. I just want it to go away!! Yes, I'm soooo glad that it's stable, and I'm soooo glad I have a form of cancer with one of the longer longevities, and I realize that none of us really know when our "time is up". But I can't help wanting the pressure off and I can't help wanting a fresh chance at making it to old age. (I promise to eat healthy for the next 60 years if I can just have my life back!)

I've been hoping that with enough determination and hard work and luck, I'd eventually beat this cancer. And that after 2 years of battling, with super healthy eating and lots of holistic efforts, that I'd start seeing evidence of the cancer receding. But there is no evidence. Oh, sure, maybe all my efforts are keeping the 'stability'. But which ones? Do I keep them all up? Do I try more? Can I go back to eating pizza?! Do I fight harder? Do I relax? Do I accept my fate and just enjoy my last few years?

This cancer fight has me feeling lost.

Thanks for the WHOLE plate

Parents, tell me this has happened to you too!...

Last week I prepared dinner for my 3 children. Balancing my desires to serve healthy foods with foods they will actually eat, I plated up the following: Costco canned chicken (usually a LIKE), baby carrots (usually OK), apple slices (always a LIKE), fresh pineapple (new, but a sure LIKE), a few spinach leaves (usually a DISLIKE that gets ignored). I called my children to the table and set their plates in front of them, a little excited for them to try out the new and delicious pineapple offering. Here's their reaction...

7-yr-old: Pointing to the pineapple, "What is THAT? I hate that!" Then melted out of his chair and onto the floor.

5-yr-old: Whining/shouting, "Why do you make us eat disgusting things?!" Then flipped the edge of her plate and scattered the contents all over the table and floor. She was sent to her room.

2-yr-old (Who had previously tried and liked pineapple): Upon seeing big brother and sister complain so loudly, shouted, "Me hate this!" grabbed her chicken (obviously not getting the complaint) and plopped it on the table.

Maybe it was overreaching to hope they'd like any brand new food, but I certainly wasn't expecting that! After calming down and cleaning up, I asked myself, what reaction did I want? Assuming that my children were emotionally mature people, but they didn't like pineapple, what would be the ideal response?

"Thank you for the food mom. Thank you for hearing my cry of hunger and for not neglecting my need, but for loving me and taking care of my needs. Thank you for trying to keep me healthy and trying to teach me about healthy eating choices even though I don't yet understand and all I ever want to eat is sugar. Someday I will understand and fully appreciate your efforts. Thank you for this wonderful assortment of food. I love apples! And carrots make me strong. And chicken is ok. But about this weird yellow stuff... I don't like it, but it was interesting to try. Thank you for giving me new things to try so that I can find out what I like and what I don't like. Is it ok if I don't eat the  yucky stuff?"

As I thought through the "ideal" response I reflected on a Christmas gift I received the year before...

The Christmas following my mother's death and my diagnosis with cancer, my dad wrapped up several gifts for us from my mom's gift stash. Though most were not for anyone specifically, I valued them as little love notes from mom.

The most intriguing gift I received was a blank book titled, "The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude". I wondered to myself "If my mom could send only one word of advice to me from heaven, considering her experience with cancer, her new perspective in the spirit world, and her motherly love, what would that word be? Love? Peace? Truth? Or maybe Gratitude?"

As children usually do when being taught, I assumed that I already "got it". I already realized it was important to focus on the many many blessings I had instead of magnifying the one problem. I already realized that things could be far worse. But I decided to try the advice and made an "Attitude of Gratitude" an early watch-cry for my cancer battle.

As I wrote in the journal, or said my prayers, I found it easy to be grateful for the health I still had, for my supportive relationships, for financial stability and for my usual comforts and joys. But when it came to thanking God for the cancer, it usually came out like, "I have received so many amazing blessings because of cancer that if I overcome it, then I will be grateful."

It was as if God fed me dinner and I  was whining to him that I would only eat it if he took off the pineapple. I readily admit that my spiritual maturity level is probably that of a 5 year old. After witnessing this dinner disaster with my kids, I wondered, "If I was spiritually mature, how would God want me to react to the FEAST of life experiences he's set before me?"

Something like this:
"Thank you for ALL of my experiences God. Thank you for hearing my cry of spiritual hunger and providing for my need to learn and grow by giving me this experience of cancer. Thank you for loving me enough to teach me even though I don't yet understand and all I usually want is ease and comfort. Someday I will understand and fully appreciate your efforts. Thank you for this wonderful assortment of experiences. Thank you for the good things cancer has given me - a stronger, more fulfilling marriage, better friendships, more compassion, more confidence, a 'seize the day' attitude, and free trips to Arizona.

"But there are a couple of yucky things I don't like about this experience. I especially don't like having the fear of death hanging constantly over my head, or taking these nasty drugs. However, God, thank you for letting me experience those yucky things. I now know that I don't like fear and that I am happier when I doggedly choose to embrace hope instead. I also see the irony in finding narcotics revolting, but willingly ingesting foods that may have led me to this condition and I feel more committed to healthy eating. God, I may not like these things, but I am still grateful that I got to taste or experience them."

Isn't that still gratitude - you don't have to like something but can still appreciate the experience? All of these experiences - comfortable or not - add richness and flavor to my development. I'm finding out what I like and don't like. When I put fear aside, I can even find fun in tasting it all. And for that I can be grateful!

Yet still, now that I've taken a taste, "God, is it ok if I don't eat the yucky stuff?"

Update: Going Down Means Looking Up

The latest news from Cancer Land (my nickname for CTCA "Disneyland for cancer people"):

Every month they test my blood for a breast cancer tumor marker. This is a protein that all women have, but breast cancer patients have in higher amounts. "Normal" is 0-35 units/mL. I was around 60 when I first started with CTCA last August. After starting hormone treatment I dropped to 35. The past few months I've been hovering around 40. These last 3 months I've steadily dropped again. This month I was at 32!

I'm excited about this number, but my doctor likes to remind me that blood counts are only rough estimates. The scan (which is next month) is more telling (and even that's not perfect). But this is definitely encouraging and helps me keep up a positive, confident mindset!

Use the Rope

In my last two posts I made an analogy that having faith to fight cancer is like having faith to grow a garden. Maybe I was wrong...

The problem with the garden analogy is that I'm an amateur gardener! I have failed to grow peppers, planted peas too late in the season, forgotten to water cucumbers, let tomatoes over-ripen and all this with an overabundance of weeds. 

That's the problem with any skill - it takes a lot of time, effort, learning from the experts, and trial and error to get good at it. And while that's all fine and good for gardening, it's downright scary when it comes to deadly cancer. There isn't much wiggle room for trial and error; effort can easily be wasted in the wrong directions; and time feels like it's running out.

As for "experts" - there are way too many - from western medical doctors, to holistic doctors, to cancer patients who get excited about the latest remedy they're trying (myself included!). It's a dilemma: with all these "experts" and promises out there, how do you know who to trust? It's impossible to discover or to incorporate all the ideas at once (time, money, motivation, side-effects, etc). It's easy to feel lost and helpless in this fight... and I have. What's a girl to do?

While I like the analogy of faith being like a seed, this analogy is working a little better for me right now...

Recently I went to Trafalga with my kids and watched my 5-year-old daughter scamper up a rather high rock wall with joyful abandon; even jumping from one hand-hold to the next! This tiny little girl made it to the tippy-top multiple times; while kids twice her size chickened out about half-way up. 

I was so impressed with her I decided I had to try it myself. Before climbing, the teenage employee strapped me into a harness and attached it to a hydraulic-resistance safety rope. 

About 10 feet off the ground I began to marvel even more at my daughter's accomplishment. My fingers and toes already felt weak and there was absolutely no place to rest. I started to fear that I was going to slip and fall. I knew I was attached to a safety rope, but I panicked that either it might not work for me, or that slipping off, instead of letting go in a controlled way, would be way too scary. I wanted to give up right then. But then I thought of my daughter, leaping from hold to hold. And it suddenly occurred to me that she could do that because of the rope! She was so light that the hydraulics of the rope actually lifted her upward when she jumped. She could feel the rope and so she trusted the rope and used the rope to enable her climb. 

If I was going to make it, I knew I needed to trust the rope too. So I decided to test it a little and let go of the wall. I immediately felt the security of the rope; it's upward lift was much stronger than I'd realized from the ground. I realized that even though slipping might give me a momentary shock, I would be perfectly safe. I now trusted the rope. I grabbed the wall again and headed up. As I climbed I still felt afraid of slipping, especially on the trickier holds, but I pushed it aside and kept going, determined to reach the top. And I did!

My end goal - to be cancer free - appears dauntingly high. Who am I to think I can beat cancer when so many others don't? The farther I climb the more I feel both exhilarated and scared. Exhilarated by the view... of this amazing world of physical and emotional health and the beauty and strength of the human body and spirit. Scared by my own weakness and that I might slip up and make choices that are a waste of time and money; or worse, harmful. But any athlete can tell you that to be at your best, you can't be afraid. Fear will lock up your muscles and your mind. To perform you have to stay loose. You have to trust your rope. 

For me, that rope is Jesus Christ. I have come to realize that I don't have to be the poster-child of beating cancer; nor do I have to find the cure for everyone. I have talked to dozens of patients at CTCA and discovered that everyone's cancer story is as unique as they are. I have also been told a dozen stories of people who have been able to completely beat it. So I know it's possible and it's very individual. I have also come to believe that I have the best chance of success if I use my safety rope; if I just keep climbing (even joyfully!) and let Christ guide me to the experts and the remedies that are particularly right for me. I believe this is possible because I have felt awed by the serendipity of helpful events during other trials of my life. And even if I don't get to the top, if I don't completely eliminate cancer, I will climb my furthest if I keep trusting my Savior-rope.

I realize that being anchored to Christ is not tangible the way a rope is. But the fascinating reality is that both require belief!! Asking "Is Christ real?" is just like asking "Is my rope actually going to catch me if I fall?" That rope can be working perfectly, but if I don't believe that it is working then I might as well not even have it because I'm too scared to use it. My first attempt up the rock wall only got me 10 feet up, while my second attempt got me to the top. It was the same wall and the same rope. It wasn't until I chose to test it a little and then continually reminded myself to trust it as I climbed that I was successful. The belief is what matters.

During my cancer fight, I've done some similar testing. And I've come to know for certain that when I choose to disregard faith, my emotions are full of fear, depression and anger. When I choose to embrace faith, my emotions are full of empowerment, enjoyment, determination and gratitude. Is my trust in my Savior-rope something I can really rely on? I'd much rather make the climb believing that it is! Plus, the very fact that such a belief can have such a lifting effect, inclines me to believe that it is indeed real.

For anyone who read this far in my post - do you have a favorite faith analogy?


PS. My garden is thriving too!