Better Me Than Them... But Still No Fair!

Anthony and I watched a comedian on dvd last night and it made for a good laugh. He had this bit on there about how he hates going to the gym because he doesn't actually like to work out. The basic gist was that he goes and stands on the treadmill and watches The Food Network then picks up some McDonalds on his way home. I laughed because I can definitely relate!

But after the dvd was over and I was getting ready for bed and prepping for chemo today, this comedic bit was churning in my head and I was feeling pretty angry about it. It makes me mad that I have tried to take care of my health - I workout regularly, I eat decently (I say as I am snacking on Chex Mix), I'm mentally and emotionally stable and have healthy relationships. This summer when I signed up for Life Insurance (yeah, just in time, huh?) I was totally patting myself on the back for having a perfect blood report and even low cholesterol! So what gives?

There are so many health issues out there that are strongly tied to lifestyle. But this breast cancer stuff is aggravatingly unfair! Despite all I can do (and there are a zillion ideas out there) it might still come back to get me. Do I change my diet? Go chemical free? Get rid of my cell phone? Unplug my microwave? Take this or that herb or supplement? Move to a small farm in Wyoming 20 miles from anyone with no TV, computer or phone and eat only homegrown crops? I'm not about to go that far, but it's so aggravating that there is no obvious answer to fix this problem and doubly aggravating that I've been doing all the basic healthy things my whole life and yet it still got me! Stupid, stupid cancer!

My mind won't let me wander too far in a pity party though (at least not today). One thing I have thought of many times since this started is that I would so much rather have the disease be upon me than upon one of my little children. I don't necessarily think I "signed up" in heaven to take this instead of them, but I do know that I can have panic-attacks when my kiddos are sick (the first time A ever bonked his head I was nearly hyperventilating). If I have to fear for someone's well-being and life, I'd rather it be mine. Furthermore, in the wake of a tragedy like the Connecticut shootings, I am reminded once again that I'm still here! It may be scary sometimes, but at least for right now I am still here. I can still cuddle with my kids and spread a little cheer and love to someone else. I may not always be great at that, but I want to be.

At this moment Chemo Round 6 is on tap. I'm tired, cold and jittery right now, but can't quite fall asleep. If I follow my pattern, I'll go home in a couple hours, sleep until 5, wake up feeling fine but buzzy in my head, stay up until 2am and then get back into my regular routine.