I've Still Got It

My hair that is. I went and CHOPPED my hair off because I was GUARANTEED to have it fall out. Then I find out that with my lower-dose once-a-week treatments my hair will just thin out instead. With my thick crop that probably means I'll just have normal hair by the end of this.

So I was pretty nervous about getting my hair cut. I haven't cut my hair shorter than mid-neck length since I was in Jr. High. But I figured it had to be done. I have to confess, I woke up the morning of my planned hair cut and felt quite anxious about the whole thing. This was 2 weeks before chemo started. Somehow the haircut made the cancer feel very real and very scary.

Now for a cute story. I was also nervous about my haircut because my adorable son is very attached to my hair. Stroking hair is for A as thumb-sucking is for my daughter R. It soothes him. I often lay down by him at bedtime telling him stories while he plays with my hair. I was concerned that getting my hair cut might feel like a personal affront to him. I was also worried that it might make my cancer real and scary to him. He is keenly aware of the fact that Grandma just died from cancer and the major visible sign of it was that she lost her hair. My poor boy. My poor me.

But as with anything scary (and with encouragement from family and friends), I just kept moving forward.

Me and my older sister (my "twin") right before.

The big reveal!

When I got home from the haircut I was definitely unsure of having my hair be SO SHORT. After years and years of longish hair, I didn't look like "me" anymore. It felt fun to try something new, but could I really pull off short hair?

A was upstairs playing with his legos and came downstairs.

Me (trying to be casual): "Hey buddy. Having fun upstairs?"

A (without a hesitation): "Wow mom! You look so beautiful!" Followed by a big hug.

That was all I needed. If anyone has an honest opinion to give of my hair, it is A. And HE loves it. And therefore so do I. Furthermore my loving husband tells me at least once a day some variation on, "You're beautiful" and "I love your hair like this."

Four weeks later I'm still getting used to it. I'm using a ton less shampoo now and my styling time has dropped from 30 minutes to 30 seconds and I no longer put my hair in a ponytail everyday (because 30 minutes is too long). And you know what? Thanks to the love of my boys, I do feel beautiful!

For fun, here I am (with Marisa) trying on wigs at the wig store. Can you guess which one I chose?

One more comparison. Headshots (taken by my dear friend Amy of Tilt Photography) in October (before I knew a had cancer) and November (after 2 chemo treatments).

Look! Long hair or short... I'm still smiling! Maybe even a little more than before.


PS. I'm still going to write a reply to my previous post, but I have been focused this week on making personalized Christmas gifts for my kids. I finished last night, hooray! (Just in time for today's chemo treatment.) I have a lot to say on that post and want to take time to write it thoughtfully. In the mean time, you should read some of the comments I received on the last two posts - they are very insightful. My friends, thanks for your input, I have loved receiving of you and learning so so much.

PSS. I love discovering a good laugh - especially these days. Check out this very funny blog post that had me chuckling last night.