On Service

MM (Metastatic Musings) welcomes Anthony Johnson as a guest author. Anthony is a regular reader and assistant editor of MM. In addition to being the husband of MM's primary author, he enjoys pina coladas, long walks on the beach, and getting caught in the rain.

P. and his wife C. solemnly approached the Johnson's front door, trying to be as respectful as possible.

"I hope we're not waking her up by coming over right now. She's probably completely wiped out by the chemo treatments." C. said.

P. held a casserole dish full of lasagna and C. a bowl of salad for the Johnsons. P. approached the door and rang the doorbell. "When does the hair usually start to fall out?"

"I don't know. Man, that's gotta be tough! The nausea. And all the surgeries. And she's got to be ultra paranoid about germs because if she gets an infection, it's pretty much lights out."

The conversation put them both in a pretty somber mood. They stood at the front door, waiting, thinking about their own mortality, reminding themselves of how fragile life is.

They waited.

And they waited.

"I thought she said she'd be home for us to drop the dinner off."

"Hmm. Well, we can come back later."

Just as they were about leave they heard the skid of tires. Heidi zipped into the driveway. She jumped out and said,"Oh, hey you guys, I completely spaced that you were coming to bring over dinner." She pulled a baby out of a car seat, then went to the trunk as the other two kids streamed out of the car. In a moment she had three grocery bags in her left hand, a baby on her hip, an additional grocery bag in her right hand, and keys between her teeth. "Shanks so much for doing zhis. I really appreciate it." She came to the door, rearranged her bags, deftly dropped the keys into a free hand, unlocked the door and pushed it open with a free hip.

"Hi Heidi. Uh, so... how are you feeling?" P. asked, surprised at the entrance.

"Well, the kids were hellians at the grocery store. I'm still recovering from that, but otherwise, I can't really complain."

They chatted for a few minutes in the house before Heidi looked at the time and exclaimed, "Dang! I'm already late for my yoga class, and I've still got to go drop off the kids at the babysitters." Heidi thanked them again and then started her pile-kids-into-the-car process. As P. and C. were leaving, they looked at each other.

"Well, how did service feel?"

"Good. Although for some reason I thought it would be more... I don't know, more... weighty."

That is a partially fictional tale. The true part is that we have had so much of an outpouring of love and support from so many people. From church, from family, from work, from friends. We really do appreciate it so much.

Yet, oh the plethora of emotions that come with being served! First, there is a part of us that feels guilty, maybe a little embarrassed, because at this point Heidi is doing so well. The chemo treatments have gone great, essentially without a hitch, and other than being a little tired on the day of, Heidi doesn't really feel much different than if she were going about her normal life. So if we're getting so much sympathy and help and support from everyone, shouldn't we have something to show for it? Don't we need to carry our weight in suffering, in nausea and tiredness and blah-ness, in order to deserve all the help we're getting?

Then there's the feeling of wanting to ration the help. If Heidi's doing so well right now, maybe we should put off some of the help now so that if/when the tough parts do come, we won't have spent all of our tokens. If we allow ourselves to be served so much now, while Heidi's still "normal", are we just burning everyone out? When she's actually throwing up and not doing well, will they exclaim "I made you dinner while you were out on the town, missie! Make your own dinner this time!"

Then there's the realization that service requires two parties, namely those serving and those being served, and service will break down if either of those parties is not cooperative. Have you ever tried to serve someone who just will not be served? Isn't it so frustrating?

Service is a wonderful thing, precisely because it endows blessings on both those being served and those serving. Yet especially in our LDS culture we emphasize serving others so much more than being served by others, that sometimes we can get this impression that serving others is the "higher" virtue. So understandably we get an abundance of willing servers and a dearth of those willing to be served. And yet it takes two willing parties.

Having been in that situation of wanting to serve someone who is uncooperative in being served, Heidi and I resolved awhile back that we would not be those people, so hard to serve. So, again, we are so grateful for your help and support, and we will continue to welcome it. We just hope that you aren't put off by Heidi's good health. Part of the blessing that Heidi gets from all this is just in knowing that people are thinking about her, and that is needed whether or not she can make her own dinner. And we love the visits.