Ok, here's the update. Last month I was feeling awful. I had back pain so bad I could hardly walk or even shift position in bed. My subsequent scans showed that my cancer increased throughout my bones, collapsed two vertebrae and spread to my liver. I have started a new chemo pill and am doing a procedure in a few hours (Wed 5/13) to address the collapsed bones.
How do I feel? A mixture of dread and relief. The dread is obvious, and I cried a lot. But the relief was unexpected. It came because I was trying so hard to control the cancer on my own that I was becoming obsessive about my eating and I was so angry about my failing body that I was hardly breathing. Well, my body failed. Kind of. A liver diagnosis, in that moment, felt like a death sentence. And strangely a part of me felt like, "Oh good, I don't have to try anymore". It's helped me to let go of the control.
However, I also have a renewed desire to live. I realize that I've been living the past nearly 3 years for the disease. When not pursuing some treatment or other, my mind is usually trying to "solve the problem". So at the moment I'm trying to figure out how to balance this desire for life with this new realization to not be obsessed about living (or maintaining the status quo). In other words, I'm striving to live life with joy in the now and dismiss the fear of the future. And I tell you, one of the best training grounds for that skill is in the middle of the cancer fire-fight.
The good news is that after 3 weeks of chemo I already feel lots better. I can walk again and do basic chores. And a tumor in my armpit that has been slowly growing since initial diagnosis, throughout all previous treatments, has started shrinking for the first time.
Now if you read this, could you do me a favor? Sometime in the next 3 months, would you send me a message or two either reminding me that I am awesome and cancer can and will be beat, or send something to make me laugh. Those little upliftments mean so so much (see Drops of Love). Thanks everyone. On we go.
Sounds like you need to spend more time enjoying life. Some things as awful as they can be are out of our hands. What do you need? Babysitting? Meals? Something fun to do with the kids like art project kit or art supplies? or a new game to play?
ReplyDeleteSomething said to me in your face on Sunday before chatting caused my heart to burst. I realized that my love for you had continued to increase when though it's been months since we've chatted. You ARE awesome, in fact, you often are the inspiration in my heart when things get rough. Not because of pity, but because you are the strongest and most graceful person I know. Humble, meek, joyful and faithful. I know you can do this, but not by working harder, just by being who you really are. It SHOULD be a relief, because you are enough: for your kids and family, for your friends, for you. I love you so much for being you!
ReplyDeleteSo you didn't answer me completely honestly yesterday when I ask how you were! You were giving a standard "I'm good".
ReplyDeleteBelieve me Heidi when I say I really care, I want the real answer even if it's a " I'm so sick of this , I just want to cry!" My thoughts are with you so much and was noticing how pretty your hair was Sunday in church and remembering when you had to cut it so short! It was so shiny and beautiful curls. You are really an inspiration to me, you have been so strong and determined!!! I know God is proud of your fight! I pray for you to continue to have the strength you need to get through this trial. Cancer sucks!!!! No doubt about it!!!
First of all: I have been reading the wrong blog. I keep checking for updates and wonder how you are! I'm so glad you posted this on FB so I could find you again.
ReplyDeleteSecond: You AMAZE me. Amaze me! I find myself discouraged every day by little things that my "illness" entails. You, however, have shown me that a person can not take this lying down. (Does that make sense?) You are teaching me how to live, how to do what I can, and most importantly how to constantly strive to do better. You rise to the challenge, every time. I know that I tend to shrink and fear (which I know is not God's way!). Heidi, you are faced with a dynamic that I cannot comprehend, and yet, you face it with so much grace and honesty! You are not wasting this, you are teaching all of us in the process. You are strong, beautiful, amazing, and wonderful! I know, KNOW, there are great things ahead for you in Heavenly Father's plan.
I admire you so much, and I wish I could spend time with you more often. (My loss.) I love you so much, cuz! My heart and prayers are always with you.
I'm so dumb! The link to "Metastatic Musings" now leads me here...I'm so confused! :P
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are feeling some relief after the 3 weeks. I will pray and pray for you!!!! I am so very sorry that you got that news and are going through so much. Much love, Kali (from Sparks)
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