Scare

"My life is not in my hands." That is the lesson of the week.

Two weeks ago I got awesome news from my PET scan that showed I was making progress in my cancer fight! I shouted the great news to the world across the pages of Blogger and Facebook and received many wonderful well wishes and congratulations. I felt a little boost of energy and a little less burdened by fear.

But I just had to go and get a copy of the scan for my personal records and I just had to read it for myself over the weekend. That's when I noticed the line that described a "new, subtle indication of leptomeningeal... blah blah blah." I looked it up. It's bad. It basically means that the cancer could be spreading to the spinal cord at which point its a very short time until "lights out." Of course I panicked and cried and despaired that my last few days were here.

As I cried to Anthony about that possibility I realized two things. First, everyone was going to be ok. My children and my husband would especially miss me, but I would leave behind healthy and happy relationships. They would have no reason to regret any unresolved issues, no reason to doubt how much I love them. And I know they love me. And even though I haven't yet had time to write my personal history the way I want to, I would also leave behind lots of blog entries of my family, blog entries of some of my best life lessons on this blog, my private spiritual journal and lots of pictures and videos. There's more recorded than my kids will probably even care to go through. I also have a will and life insurance so my family is financially taken care of. If I were to die today, it would be ok.

The second thing I realized is that I have no control over the timing of my death. Cancer is cancer. It can turn on a dime. Here I've been telling myself, "I'm so going to beat this. I'm going to eat healthier and learn to relax and breathe deeper and take my medicine and I'm going to make my cancer go away!" But there is no guarantee of that.

We often consider the unpredictability of death when we say things like, "You never know, I could get in a car accident on the way home." In fact, as I sit here getting my chemo, I just overheard a conversation where someone said those very words. Although we may say the words, the full emotion of death or illness doesn't truly register until you experience it. The closer it hits to home and the longer you have to cope with it the more you feel it.

My dad once told me that when my mom was learning to cope with her cancer she found great comfort in coming to accept that her life was in God's hands and the timing of her death was up to Him. She found that knowledge liberating. Although I accepted my dad's words, I didn't fully internalize them.

So far I've really been putting my fear into the future and my faith in myself. I have thought that by making some lifestyle changes I was going to buy myself more time, maybe a long time. But last week I experienced the reality that it is not up to me. I do not control the timing of my death. Whether it be a sudden spread of cancer, a heart attack or a car accident, death comes when it comes. If it is time for me to return to God, then I can't stop it.

Before I leave you hanging for too long, I should tell you that I do not have leptoblahblah. When we finally met with the doctor again she said that I don't have the symptoms of it and that that interpretation may have been an overly cautious radiologist. Yesterday I had an MRI to follow up on this and the MRI also did not indicate leptoblahblah. Phew. Crisis averted.

Maybe.

But cancer is cancer and life is fragile. There will be more scares. Death will ultimately come. We had a handful of very big scares with my mom's cancer, but we got through them and she went on to live her life with enthusiasm until the very end. Although I'm probably several scares away from internalizing this lesson as deeply as my mom did, it is liberating to realize that my life is not in my hands. When I feel like it is in my control then I feel frenzied wondering how to solve this cancer problem and fretting over every ache and pain. I worry that I might run out of time before finishing x, y and z. But when I feel like my life is in God's hands then I feel assured that I will not be short changed. If it's important for me to finish x, y and z then God will make sure I have enough time to finish them. Recognizing my life is not in my control does not greatly alter what I do on a daily basis, but it does replace panic with peace, which makes my days more joyful.

Perhaps the best way to convey my feelings on this topic is to recount a conversation I had with A on Sunday. We were at church when A crawled into my lap, twisted my short locks of hair in his 6-year-old fingers and whispered:

A: Mommy, sometimes I'm afraid you are going to die.

Me: Why do you think that sweetie?

A: Because grandma had cancer and she died.

Me: And that makes you feel scared?

A: Yes.

Me (with a big hug): Sometimes I get scared I'm going to die too. But can I tell you what I do about it?

A nodded.

Me: Well, first, I want you to know that I am doing everything I know how to do to live as long as I can. I am eating really healthy things and exercising as much as my body will let me and I'm going to bed on time and I'm taking my medicine.
     And you know what else? We are praying every night for me to get better and lots of other people are praying for our family too. I believe that if I do everything I can do and if I pray and ask Heavenly Father for help, he is going to make up the difference to make sure I live as long as I need to. And like I've told you before, I have a feeling I'm going to be here for a long time still.
     Do you know what you can do?

A: What?

Me: Whenever you see me eat healthy or do my exercises you can tell me, "Good job mom!" And you can pray for me as much as you want. But even though I do all that sometimes I still get scared. So you know what I do then?

A: What?

Me: I talk to Heavenly Father about how I feel and also ask Him to help me feel better. Sometimes I find another person to talk to too. And then I go and get a big hug from daddy or from my kids and I hug and hug and hug them until I feel better. And you are welcome to talk to me and ask me for as many hugs as you want until the scared feelings go away. And then we can play fun games or do other fun things and leave the scared feelings behind for a while. Does that sound good to you?

A: Yeah. (Big long hug. And then...)

A: Hey mommy, can I show you something funny I saw in my Lego magazine?

Me: Sure!