Just got back from CTCA last night. The CT and bone scans show "no indication of new sites". In other words, I am still stable. My blood counts, which I so excitedly reported on last visit, went back up 5 points. However, my doctor sees this as still being stable. So technically this is great news! And I'm relieved and happy.
Yet, I'm also rather discouraged. I just want it to go away!! Yes, I'm soooo glad that it's stable, and I'm soooo glad I have a form of cancer with one of the longer longevities, and I realize that none of us really know when our "time is up". But I can't help wanting the pressure off and I can't help wanting a fresh chance at making it to old age. (I promise to eat healthy for the next 60 years if I can just have my life back!)
I've been hoping that with enough determination and hard work and luck, I'd eventually beat this cancer. And that after 2 years of battling, with super healthy eating and lots of holistic efforts, that I'd start seeing evidence of the cancer receding. But there is no evidence. Oh, sure, maybe all my efforts are keeping the 'stability'. But which ones? Do I keep them
all up? Do I try
more? Can I go back to eating pizza?! Do I fight harder? Do I relax? Do I accept my fate and just enjoy my last few years?
This cancer fight has me feeling lost.
Not sure if this will be a repeat, but here we go again now that I am signed in...try not to feel lost, it is not a good feeling. Enjoy everyday with your beautiful family. Nothing ever comes from worrying. Do what makes you feel healthy and strong. If eating a pizza makes you feel yuck don't eat it. If you eat pizza and love it go for it. You are a survivor!! You are strong.
ReplyDeleteYou have been weighing heavily on my heart and mind this week as we have been waiting to hear the results of your scan. I am grateful that you have been able to remain stable, but I'm sure it was disappointing to not have the miraculous improvement that you (and we) were hoping for. I don't know anyone that has been more dedicated to healthy eating and caring for themselves. You have certainly proven yourself a fighter! I hope you find comfort in knowing that your Heavenly Father is aware of your desires, your fears, your strengths and weaknesses, your physical pains, your needs, your family. . . He knows it all and He cares and understands it perfectly. We love you, Heidi, and we pray for you and your sweet family on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry this trial continues. I am glad you are healthy, and so glad that you are stable...if you can't be completely healed! For now, I mean. Who's to say it won't happen. The healing. I mean. I'm not totally making sense, but know I am thinking about you and admire your strength and discipline. I can only imagine what a wonderful example you are setting for your children, taking such good care of yourself. Which really reflects how much you love your family, the sacrifices you are willing to make to be here with them. I didn't eat pizza for about a year when I was nursing, and it was sorely missed. Seriously, you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteThis is hard to read. I don't understand but I do. You know what I mean? I'm not in your situation AT ALL. I'm so sorry that you have to think of these things. I wish that life were easy and effortless---not all the time, just a bit at a time would be nice. A week or a month or a year to forget what's really at stake. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father is in control. That He does NOT fear and that He will fight our battles for us. I think you are doing a great job at keeping yourself healthy and the rest is up to Him. I'm glad to hear that you are stable.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling a bit lost myself lately with regards to my own health issues. I have no idea what the answers are. And if it were up to me I'd certainly ask for my personal yucky stuff to be removed from my dinner plate. Maybe if I knew exactly what purpose eating it was serving I'd be more inclined to choke it down.
ReplyDeleteStable is a good thing, even if it wasn't what you hoped for. I think you know the answer to the pizza thing; you'll keep doing what you're doing in all aspects because even if you cannot isolate what is helping, it is helping. It is keeping you alive! It is giving you more energy, more time with your family! My dad is in recovery for Colon cancer. He caught it early, had surgery, and now has a bag. However, he is in remission and has been for 5 years. He's lucky, but in all honestly, maybe he doesn't deserve to be that lucky. I love him dearly, but he has not changed any of the preventable habits that could have contributed to his condition. He still eats fast food every day at work. He rarely exercises. He didn't fight for his life like you have. You have a right to feel lost. This illness seriously makes no sense. But the fact of the matter is, you care. You are fighting back. I see it from afar and I know your kids see it from up close. I know you'll keep doing what you're doing because you are making a difference in many lives, including my own. Thank you for that. Keep fighting and I'll keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHeidi, have you looked into frankincense and can ibis oil? Check out the gerson institute too. :)
ReplyDeleteHeidi, have you looked into frankincense and cannibis oil? Also, the gerson institute. http://gerson.org
ReplyDeleteThis may be of interest to you too. Thank you for your blog, it really inspires me.
Watch this:Cancer the Forbidden Cures
https://vimeo.com/m/25279346