Benefits of Cancer... (Say WHAT!?)

You heard me right. Cancer has it's benefits. At least it has for me. And it's high time I share the reasons why I can say that.

First, let's review the bad things that cancer has brought into my life:

1. Fatigue.
   And plenty of it. Of course, I've been feeling tired since I got pregnant with my first child, so it's hard to know how much of that is just motherhood...
2. Bone/Muscle pain.
   Some days it feels bad, but then again I can usually remedy it with heat and ice packs so that's good. Many of those pains have been there for the past year - either from the bulging disks or the cancer, I don't know.
3. Fear of worse pain.
4. Fear of death.

4 things. And 2 of those are only fears of something that does not currently exist.

Now, here are the things that one would expect to experience while being treated with chemotherapy that I have not had to deal with:

1. Hair loss
2. Nausea
3. Mouth Sores
4. Dry skin
5. Indigestion/Heart burn
6. Bowel issues
7. Nerve damage
8. Anemia
9. Shortness of breath
10. Catching germs easily

Lucky - I know! If I could bottle and sell whatever it is that's doing this I'm sure I'd be rich. Believe me, I am so so so grateful.

But that's not all. Now let me share with you all the good things that have happened to me in the past 6 months:

1. Deepening relationships with family and friends.
   This is partly due to the sympathy and interest my condition has aroused and partly due to the wake-up call that cancer has given me to cherish the people in my life. This item ought to count for about 10 items because of the importance and impact it's had on me.
2. Free babysitting every Wednesday!
   Ok, so I'm sitting in a chair drugged over instead of being at the beach. But I get to be with my hubby and that is always precious time.
3. Improved social skills for my children.
   They love getting to go to new places and play with new toys and new friends. They actually look forward to their outings and eagerly ask on Wednesday mornings, "Where do we get to go today?" 6 months ago, little S was super-extremely stranger shy. These days she has no qualms about me leaving her in a babysitters care and has also grown very fond of some frequent caregivers. 6 months ago, I was still hesitant to send A to someone's house for a playdate because of his tendency to have emotional and aggressive outbursts with other kids. These days I don't worry about it - A still has emotional outbursts and frustrations, but he has had lots of opportunities lately to practice and learn the self-control necessary to not be excessively aggressive.
4. "New eyes" to see my family with.
   Too often I have thought, "I will play with my kids when my house is clean." or "Next year when my kid grows out of this behavior then I'll really enjoy them." Well guess what? Next year may never come. I am working hard on changing my thought process to really enjoy my children right now, as they are and it is a beautiful thing as I get closer and closer to that.
5. A deeper relationship with my husband.
   We've been forced to have some pretty heavy discussions about everything from wills to remarriage after death to testimony. We've come to know and value each other more than ever.
6. Motivation to free myself from emotional burdens.
   And for this one I have to thank my AMAZING husband who has surprised me with his compassion, openness and patience. I had no idea I married such a skilled and willing therapist. Every wife should be so lucky. Seriously.
7. An answer to the question - "Should I have more kids?"
   Anthony was done. I was spent. But I wanted to do what the Lord wanted me to do on this one and I was going back and forth on this thought, wishing God would just hit me over the head with a 2x4. Well he did. Our family is complete with 3. And speaking of baby #3, thanks to some heavenly inspiration, I really really think we snuck that baby in just under the wire. I can't imagine my life without her. However long that life may be, it is all the more joyous because I have THREE beautiful children.
8. Opportunities to learn BIG life lessons from others.
   My cancer has provided an opening to talk about some interesting/deep/personal things with others. I have been amazed at the trials others have gone through that I had no idea about. I have been moved by their tenacity and cheerfulness. I have appreciated their wisdom and insights and expressions of faith.
9. Help. Help. And more help.
   It takes a village to raise a child. And it takes a village to keep a family in tact. Beyond the Wednesday babysitting, we've had other friends and young women in our neighborhood volunteer to watch kids so I can have a few hours to myself to rest or relax. I've been signed up for a maid service that offers 10 free visits to a newly diagnosed cancer patient so that I don't even have to squeeze in extra time to clean my bathrooms or kitchen. And my dad has especially stepped in big time to fill the role of both mother and father by coming down twice a week from noon to bedtime to make sure I get to nap, do physical therapy, go to doctor appointments, go grocery shopping, or whatever else, plus he usually does my dishes and my laundry while he's here!
10. Motivation to eat right.
    It's been... 6 months since I had a hamburger, 6 weeks since I had any refined sugar (aka sweets), and 12 days since my last bite of cheese. I am a crazy veggie eating machine these days. I'm still learning the ropes of this new healthy life-style, but I'm actually loving this new food adventure!
11. Motivation/opportunities to learn about relaxation and meditation.
    Still learning lots here, but again, I'm loving the adventure of learning these things.
12. A burst of faith.
    It's as if I was sitting in a room as the sun slowly sank, hardly noticing the dimming. Then cancer waltzed in and threw the light switch. Wow. I can see again! I am particularly grateful for this one.
13. A deeper relationship with my mother.
    This one is older. This one came because of her cancer. Still, I have cancer to thank.
14. A deeper relationship with God.

Kind of wonderful, isn't it? To be honest, I feel a lot like this story from the Book of Mormon. I know I have the faith and prayers and well wishes of a lot of wonderful friends and family to thank for these blessings. I have a wonderful Father in Heaven, who has given me an experience tailored perfectly to my learning. I can't think of any other near-death experience I could have such an "easy" time with and also take so seriously, than to be hit with the exact thing I just barely watched my mom pass away from.

Yes, fear is always lurking in the shadows. Sometimes it jumps out at me unexpectedly and knocks me to my knees. Like when someone tells me a story about someone they knew who died of cancer after a year. Or when I watch parents with older kids and wonder if I'll get to share those experiences and milestones with my children. It can hurt. It can be temporarily debilitating. Yet coupled with that fear is the opportunity to stay on my knees and find a way to cope with the fear. Opposite of the fear are some very tangible joys that I would not have understood otherwise.

I don't know what the next page in my cancer story will bring, but when I look at all I've been given, I find hope to keep on reading.



PS. I wrote this entry on Tuesday night after an especially good day. It very accurately represents how I feel on many days. But I'm glad I wrote it on Tuesday because today (Wednesday) I got my chemo treatment. Chemo puts me into a funk. On most (but not all) chemo days I tend to feel agitated, cranky, tired and also restless. I try to keep a low profile so I won't be ornery with my family while I ride out the worst of the chemical effects on my body, which can take 1-3 days. Just thought I'd throw that in there lest I made cancer and chemo seem too much like a walk in the park.